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  • The Change
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Archives from 2002-2006

I read once about a traumatized baby chimpanzee whose fiercely gripping fingers were briefly pried loose from a trainer’s shirt and then his/her two tiny chimp hands ended up clasped together like glue, so strong was the baby’s instinct to hang on.

This is me, lately. A monkey just trying to cling to something as we’re all propelled along in this shit-tsunami of ever-worsening world events, but I’m scrabbling at ghosts. I’ve been trying to hang on to so many things: my little boys, my not-yet-middle-aged self, a pre-2020 world, a pre-2016 world (even better), a world where there was hope for what a COVID vaccine could solve.

Then there are all the leaking bags of ancient reeking brain-garbage that I don’t want anywhere near me (especially NOW isn’t there ENOUGH garbage already) but I keep hauling them around all the same. The same old stories of worthlessness, station KFKD on full volume. You. Are. No. Good. It would be such a full-bodied relief to lay them down, they have been crushing me under their toxic weight for as long as I can remember, but no. I’ve got them in my chimp grip.

A while ago I wrote how I was hoping for more connection in 2021. Halfway into the year, I’m pretty sure I’m feeling more disconnected than ever. Jaded, angry, sad, disappointed, and honestly just … sincerely fucking lonely, you know?

But maybe more than anything I feel stuck, stuck in my head and in the past and in things I cannot control. Maybe before I can even figure out what’s next, I need to pry myself loose so I have a fighting chance of a better view.

Riley turned sixteen at the end of August, which is a milestone I am still reeling from. Sixteen. He’s so tall and strong and he has this Steve-from-Stranger-Things head of hair that makes him look even taller and good god, it is just really weird when your little buddies are, like, driving cars and keeping an eye on the stock market.

Things Riley likes, at 16:

• Basketball
• Bike riding (a newer hobby in lieu of track)
• Nonstop audio input via AirPods which his parents annoying refer to as EarHorns
• CS:GO
• Cats and dogs, pet ducks
• Hunting and fishing, target shooting
• Character/weaponry animation for gaming (this is his current career aspiration)
• Cheese pizza only, no other kind of pizza, but also no other food with cheese (?)
• Oyster crackers, Hi-Chew, huli-huli chicken, Dr. Pepper, mint ice cream
• MrBallen’s stories
• Being often fairly suspicious of things – who could have called this one??

And in the blink of an eye …

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