May
24
A cat can be slotted into one’s existence with relative ease but a dog is a Whole Entire Thing and so I do feel fairly upended again these days, although I have largely passed the “was it all a terrible mistake” phase of any big life change.
Something new in my routine is standing in the backyard at night while Mabel does her business. I have not spent a consistent amount of time under the night sky in a long time and I am finding it restorative in a touch-grass sort of way. I mean it is also a big pain to put on real clothes post-bath and go out there and I hope by the time the weather is truly dreary she won’t need a chirpy “go potty, c’mon go potty” partner at her side but in the meantime I am enjoying being regularly dazzled by the stars and the impossible-seeming vastness of it all. The moon has been especially bright the last few days and last night it looked like an x-ray of a lemon slice.
I had already been talking to Billy but now I carry out full one-sided conversations most of my days at home, Mabel’s main response to being spoken to is to wriggle with joy and with such a warm reception how could I not develop a maybe-weird narration habit? Sometimes I singsong my activities: paper towels go in that cupboard there, this here yogurt goes in the frigidaire… while Billy watches with avid curiosity and Mabel does ecstatic tippy-taps.
There’s no loneliness with these guys, they trail me everywhere. Everything is a bit messy now too, toys strewn about and sticky tree pods tracked in from the backyard and the pervasive whiff of Nature’s Miracle in the air. Sometimes I think back on the time before pets when I was wholly unfettered and only had to clean up after myself and how delicious that was, but of course it’s like children. Incompatible with tidy care-free living; worth it.
A dog does a better job at helping fill the ache of missing hands-on parenting, I think. There are potty schedules and various things that require care, while a cat can slink into the background and coolly smoke a cigarette on its own. With a dog you get a little of that shared dopamine feeling where their enthusiasm lifts your own spirits. They can be needy and it can feel so very good to be needed.
May
16
I’ve been looking for a job off and on for many months now. I’ve applied to several without luck and I am not despairing about it but I have to say I don’t feel great, Bob. I don’t like feeling … well, useless is the word that comes to mind.
Or maybe obsolete is the better term, at least for my particular skill set. Oh, you don’t need someone whose marketing expertise and knowledge is largely based on a world that simply does not exist anymore? You’re not looking for someone who hasn’t worked from an office environment or among coworkers for, what, sixteen years now? You don’t need writing language and tone that can be if not duplicated outright at least workingly mimicked by any number of free LLMs? You don’t have an eager Gen Z team that’s looking for a 52-year-old whose software skills are pretty much limited to text editing docs and photo apps and whose water cooler banter could not rise above “How about that new season of Euphoria, crazy amirite fellow kids???”
I do think I would enjoy something very different from what I have done before. As an example, I volunteered with a conference recently in a fancy-ish hotel. After setting up the tables for the attendees, my job was to help check them in, which mostly involved light chitchat and offering to validate their parking. I found this DEEPLY pleasurable, so I feel I would very much like a job that:
• Is somewhat limited in nature to providing a service rather than potentially annoying people (ie, nothing that involves people being mad about what a thing costs or how long it takes, etc)
• Nestles me amongst likeable coworkers (the other volunteer was so nice to chat with!)
• Gives me the chance to greet people with a smile and be friendly with them, because I truly feel that nearly everyone has become much more wary/closed off and it is a delight to see them relax when met with good energy
• Allows me to provide helpful info, like ‘oh the restrooms are right over there’ or ‘yes, we definitely can validate that ticket!’
• Is part time, has easy parking, isn’t too far away
• Doesn’t matter if I am older and also have weirdly colored hair and a 90’s armband tattoo
Let me know if you have ideas! I immediately thought of the wonderful often older-people ushers at events where they help you find your seat, but there seem to be too many downsides: actually needing to know where the seats are (row what now?), wearing a uniform with a vest, and the real deal-killer: having to be at a place when it is WELL past my bedtime.
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