A cat can be slotted into one’s existence with relative ease but a dog is a Whole Entire Thing and so I do feel fairly upended again these days, although I have largely passed the “was it all a terrible mistake” phase of any big life change.

Something new in my routine is standing in the backyard at night while Mabel does her business. I have not spent a consistent amount of time under the night sky in a long time and I am finding it restorative in a touch-grass sort of way. I mean it is also a big pain to put on real clothes post-bath and go out there and I hope by the time the weather is truly dreary she won’t need a chirpy “go potty, c’mon go potty” partner at her side but in the meantime I am enjoying being regularly dazzled by the stars and the impossible-seeming vastness of it all. The moon has been especially bright the last few days and last night it looked like an x-ray of a lemon slice.

I had already been talking to Billy but now I carry out full one-sided conversations most of my days at home, Mabel’s main response to being spoken to is to wriggle with joy and with such a warm reception how could I not develop a maybe-weird narration habit? Sometimes I singsong my activities: paper towels go in that cupboard there, this here yogurt goes in the frigidaire… while Billy watches with avid curiosity and Mabel does ecstatic tippy-taps.

There’s no loneliness with these guys, they trail me everywhere. Everything is a bit messy now too, toys strewn about and sticky tree pods tracked in from the backyard and the pervasive whiff of Nature’s Miracle in the air. Sometimes I think back on the time before pets when I was wholly unfettered and only had to clean up after myself and how delicious that was, but of course it’s like children. Incompatible with tidy care-free living; worth it.

A dog does a better job at helping fill the ache of missing hands-on parenting, I think. There are potty schedules and various things that require care, while a cat can slink into the background and coolly smoke a cigarette on its own. With a dog you get a little of that shared dopamine feeling where their enthusiasm lifts your own spirits. They can be needy and it can feel so very good to be needed.

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