Jul
24
On Wednesday Dylan came over and we watched a movie together in my little back living room, him with Mabel tucked into his lap and occasionally popping her head up to startle him all to hell by barking at something on the screen. We had Killer Burger takeout and when he left I waved madly from the front door while fending off the pets and I thought of the previous times when I would shut that door and just be overcome with tears because a visit is not the same as seeing your kid in the house you share, and I felt grateful to be in a different place. It will never stop being bittersweet, it will not feel like it did those first weeks and months again.
About a full year has gone by since the separation and divorce and it would be easier to name the things that haven’t changed. I feel like I’ve walked a thousand miles since then. I feel the ache and resilience of the journey, the way my tender footing has strengthened and the way new muscles are holding me upright.
It was difficult for all of us and the most painful part for me had to do with wanting things to be different and all these months later I think that has been the most enduring lesson, that it does no good to batter endlessly against what is. When the circumstances are out of your control, the energy belongs in acceptance and adaptation.
I would not wish away this hard path. Everything has taught me something, everything has led to growth.
Someone who has become such a dear friend created this art for me, which hangs on my kitchen wall:
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