Aug
17
Annoyingly-Spelled “Escentuals” Makeup Update:
(Because I offer only the best in heart-pounding journal content. No need to pay for the full seat here, folks, when you’ll only need the edge!)
Well tickle me Elmo and count me among the converted, I love this makeup. I. LOVE. THIS. MAKEUP! In fact, picture me demonstrating my enthusiasm by galloping around all fat and sweaty like Ballmer and yelling “Bare MINERALS! Bare MINERALS! Bare MINERALS!”
Or…don’t. My point is, this makeup is awesome. I have yet to watch the instructional DVD but I managed to figure it out all by myself this morning, using the big brush that came with the kit and the “Fairly Light” foundation powder. I had some doubts about using a powder, but it went on smoothly and just sort of melded with my skin, creating, no shit, a nice even complexion without adding visible color.
I normally use a liquid foundation, and no matter how carefully I apply it I always can see it on my skin–especially on my nose. This stuff is invisible, and feels totally light and non-masky. My face hasn’t dissolved into a shiny Exxon slick mid-afternoon like it normally does, either.
So! Diagnosis thus far: thumbs up. I probably could have skipped buying the kit and just purchased the foundation and a brush, as I’m not sure yet about the actual benefits of the included “mineral veil” or “skin rev-ver upper” (huh?).
Oh, and to end on a crass note: on my way to work this morning I passed a bunch of young hunky firemen in uniform collecting money at a stoplight, and I thought, how awesome would it be if I had the balls to hang my head out the window and scream, “You can stuff MY boot anytime, baby!” as I drove by?
But of course I didn’t.
Aug
16
August 16, 2006
Well, I hardly know how I’ll find time to update this website when I’ve got all this new music to listen to. Holy shit, did you guys ever kick down with the awesome suggestions. I’ve spent an obscene amount of time on iTunes in the last 24 hours, and Pandora? Best website EVER, I can’t believe I’d never heard of it before. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
This is my week for paycheck-frittering, I guess, because in addition to my mp3 investments I decided to brave the Sephora at the Snooty Mall near my office today. Because it’s the Snooty Mall, there were all kinds of Snooty People in Sephora, including one woman who browsed every single cramped aisle while pushing a giant stroller, her older toddler running batshit willy-nilly, grabbing samples and smearing lipstick everywhere. Every now and then she’d halfheartedly yell at her sample-monkey, while shoving the stroller into people’s calves then acting pissy about it (“Excuse me”). I suppose if you have no other way to visit Sephora without the kids in tow, then you must bring the kids along, but…um, maybe next time buy off Amazon? Or something?
Actually, the entire Snooty Mall–which is always crawling with young fashionistas and their offspring–seemed to be experiencing a collective toddler terror attack this afternoon. I saw at least four different kids having some variant of screaming meltdown as I walked through the mall to Sephora and back; one small boy was outside of the Land of Nod shrieking “NO! NO! NO!” at his mother, who appeared to be attempting to reason with him.
I try not to gawp openly at public tantrums but I secretly scan the entire scene because I dread the day when I am the adult and Riley is the horrible, snot-nosed demon that the passersby would like to drop-kick. I mean, I have no idea what the right thing to do in that situation is. Today I saw kids that seemed generally to be having a fit of the brats, and my inclination would be not to reason or explain or soothe, but rather to grab and Remove From the Premises, perhaps to be ultimately dropped into a deep dark well somewhere with only a half-retarded Lassie dog to incorrectly bark their location (“What’s that girl? There’s a boy trapped in a smell? A what?”). But of course that may not be the best parenting move and maybe those kids were super tired and cranky and their blood sugar had dropped from a lack of cheese goldfish?
Shit, I don’t know. I’ll tell you this, though: the only way I would take Riley into a crowded, teeming Sephora packed with flint-eyed women who will shank you with an eyelash curler if you get between them and the last BeneTint cheek stain is if he’s been tagged with a 6 cc tranq dart loaded with a ketamine-and-Darvon cocktail.
Anyway, the reason I was going to Sephora was to buy this crazy makeup I’ve heard raves about (the law of averages dictates that at least one of you has used this and you now hate it with the fire and heat of a thousand hateful suns, if so then you must leave me to my one night of dreams and promise) I’m a huge sucker for word of mouth product evangelizing (anyone remember The Soap?), and when it comes to ridiculously overblown snake-oil claims about beauty concoctions? Why, color me helpless. Sephora has a “Get Started” kit of this makeup that includes two foundations, some brushes, some other crap, and – get this – a fucking HOW-TO DVD.
Yes, because I have so much free time in the morning I need a makeup application process that requires a DVD in order to master it. Maybe I’ll do some Pilates while I’m at it, right? (Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa. Ha. Ow, I hurt myself. Too bad I’m not more limber in order to laugh about exercising.)
I am both stupid and gullible, say hallelulah, but who knows – perhaps via the magic of “Bare Escentuals” I will be transformed into a peach-skinned, gently glowing maternal-yet-sexy-and-ageless goddess of beauty and light. Also, it’s possible I will crap a single, solitary gold ingot tomorrow morning after my morning coffee. You never know. If that happens, I’m heading back to iTunes, because I’ve got a lot of music-buying to do.
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