I was feeling my oats when I got ready to leave the house yesterday, probably because I can officially wear my Cruel Girl jeans again without creating a giant mound of squashed-up bellyfat above the waistband thankyouJEBUS, and so I paused to take the unusual-for-me step of applying a “lip plumper“. What can I say, after spending the past
month day wearing sweatpants with unwashed hair I had the desire for a little cosmetic indulgence, even though I was just driving to daycare and back.
A full twenty minutes or so after putting on what I swear was a tiny amount of this ridiculous lip-irritating goo, I absentmindedly kissed Riley on the cheek. And . . . uh . . . well.
Remember that scene in Fight Club when Brad Pitt licks his lips and coats them with lye, chemically burning his lip print into the back of Edward Norton’s hand? That’s soooooort of what I did to my own child:
Now, despite his woebegone expression in this photo he actually didn’t seem to notice it at all, but I watched in sheer horror as two red lip-shaped marks appeared on his cheek, and despite my careful swabbing with cold water and a soft cloth, turned into raised WELTS.
The good news is that they disappeared entirely about a half hour later, the bad news is that I stupidly told my husband about it, who acted as though I had purposefully crammed toothpicks in the boy’s eyesockets. “Why,” he asked dramatically, “would you WEAR something that BURNS?”
Well, I guess I don’t rightly have a good answer for that at this point. It certainly wasn’t in order to damage my 2-year-old’s dewy-soft FACE, but don’t any of you bother competing for that coveted Jackass Parent of the Year award—I’m pretty sure I’ve got this one in the bag.