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Mar
2
I can’t think of the last time I noticed anyone looking at me. You know: looking at me. Checking me out.
If it’s been a long time since I noticed anyone noticing me, it’s been, like, YEARS since anyone’s actually made a pass at me, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. Hit on me? Flirted, that’s a better term. No one ever flirts with me anymore, and I can’t believe I’m whining about this, but hey guess what I AM.
Maybe it’s because I give off a strong Married-with-Kids vibe, maybe it’s because I feel about as sexy most days as a nudibranch (which despite the titillating “nudie” in their name and the surprising fact that they are hermaphroditic, are still sea slugs, and therefore unsexy by definition), maybe it’s because I’m no longer young and/or reckless, but it kind of bothers me. I don’t really know how to say it without sounding shallow as hell — or worse, like I’m fishing for compliments — but the more time goes by without even, say, a quick sidelong glance of appreciation, the more invisible and frumpy I feel.
My husband, who is both sweet and as lecherous as they come, constantly compliments me in an exotic mix of gentlemanly and mildly offensive ways, and I love, love, LOVE that and obviously I love HIM and I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m TROLLING for something, it’s just that . . . oh, this is just getting more and more embarrassing. It’s just that even though he thinks I look good, and despite my raging insecurities there are often times when I think I look good, I miss other people thinking I look good. I miss innocent, yet esteem-boosting eyeballings. I miss feeling like a desirable woman.
This is dumb, right? Weird AND dumb. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a happily married woman complain about the issue of Not Being Ogled By Strangers before, which either means all of you are getting ogled on a regular basis or only a total douchebag would notice or care about something so ridiculous. WAIT DON’T TELL ME.
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Loving, Lately
JR Watkins Vanilla is my new favorite body lotion. Love the smell, love the way it feels, love the awesome label design.
I may have mentioned it once or twice, but Breaking Bad is the best thing that has ever happened to television EVER. You should watch it right now.
Bob Book Series
Riley has honestly learned to read as a result of these little box sets. Cannot recommend enough.
This applesauce bread from Allrecipes is superfast, supereasy, and the kids love it (I leave out the spices).
Oh My God, not dumb at all! We don’t have kids yet, but my husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for almost 5, and we started dating when I was 19–so I spent my prime ogling years with him. And don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change that for anything, and he definitely lets me know that he finds me attractive. But, there is something about being “checked out” that makes you feel sexy and young and, well, kind of powerful. And I miss it too.
I know precisely what you mean, and I think it’s completely normal. Recently, I was bopping along feeling pretty good about myself — I had a rare Good Outfit and Good Hair Day going — and realized that nobody was even giving the slightest of glances in my general direction. It was mildly deflating.
Then again, it IS winter and we ARE walking around in layers/puffy coats/unflattering footwear most of the time, and I find that the advent of warm weather and cute, flirty clothes seems to revive the appreciative looks as well as the perverts, at which time suddenly the attention becomes not-so-fun anymore.
You’re SO NOT DUMB. Just recently I humored a 12-yr-old friend by answering her email quiz…one of the questions was “Does anyone have a crush on you?” Answering NO was about the SUCKIEST feeling because I realized that even though I have two great kids, a cute husband and nice house, NOBODY HAS A CRUSH ON ME and it was horrible. Because I don’t think anyone EVER will have a crush on me because I’m 41 and normal and even if someone did it would be someone old and icky probably. Anyway. I guess this is what sends happily married women rushing for plastic surgeons, but I don’t want collagen and silicon to be the reason I’m ogled… I’m no help. But you’re not alone.
You are not alone. I totally miss that, too!
Someone told me I had “Mom on the go” hair the other day. And here I was thinking I had pretty, short but feminine, sassy sort of hair. Blah.
Totally normal.
I have a theory about this! You are still being checked out, however as they get a little more “sophisticated” men are more subtle about these things. Fear not, you are being discreetly ogled.
So my built-in webcam was on the fritz and I had to call tech support for help. They got it working but the support dude was able to see me (but I could not see him). I do know his name was Sanjay and he was located in India. He told me I was very pretty. Does that count as being hit on? If so, than ‘go me’ because that’s all I’ve got in the last 10+ years.
omg. you have just very effectively put into words what i have been feeling for a very long time now. except that you have the totally buff HOTNESS, that i am devoid of, and you are also SUPER COOL, which i am very much NOT. so fret not. you are totally normal in wanted to feel, you know…HOT. but i bet that you get checked out all the damn time, but in a subtle nonoffensive way. i wouldn’t be surprised if your uber hotness totally intimidates guys so that they are too shy to actually say anything to you about it.
if it makes you feel any better…if i lived near you, i’d TOTALLY hit on you, and i’m a married woman!
Heh. I love that you are a freak at times, too. So human! Anyways, I have seen enough pictures of you to know that you ARE being ogled. You are. You just don’t notice it because they are a higher class of oglers who appreciate your lusciousness with a smile and a dirty thought instead of the, “Hey baby! Nice ass!” catcalls across the street. I vote for an experiment involving JB following you with a video camera so that you can see the oglers ogling after the fact.
I complain about this allllll the time. I want to be noticed. Look at me ME. Not just the mom with the cute kids, I’m cute too dammit!
I take it back I don’t want to be cute I want to be HOT! I want to be RAWR!
I get hit on by high school boys (job related, I don’t troll high schools honest) and while I do feel slightly Mrs. Robinson I still gotta say it makes me feel good when I feel very mom-ish. So I totally know how you feel. It’s different when it comes from someone else other than the husband.
You know how models are pretty much done with their careers at age 19? It’s because at age 20, they’re too old to be considered attractive. I try not to think about what that means for me, a woman technically old enough to have a 19-year-old DAUGHTER.
Totally normal. My husband is the same way. Saturday, on my 29th birthday, he told me I still had the ass of a 19-year-old. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it clearly has been a looooooong time since he’s seen a 19 year old ass! haha!
But I know what you mean. As nice as it is to be wanted by your hubby, it’s always nice to think, hey…look at that random dude lookin’ at me – I’ve still got it!
And I’m sure you do!
Okay, I have a boyfriend who sounds a lot like your husband. I can’t even try on a new coat without him just staring at me and flatly saying “Babe, you just gave me a chubby in that coat”. It cracks me up and I appreciate it so much.
I think I’m pretty (sometimes) but I’ve noticed that the only people who ogle or make comments tend to be homeless dudes. Which is cool, I mean, you have to admit, they see women all day and for them to come across one that they actually feel the need to comment must say SOMETHING about how I look, right?
But I want to get hit on. I want a bartender to tell me my drink is on the house. I want the guy in the car in front of me to keep checking me out in his rearview.
This doesn’t happen though and considering how much my boyfriend gets hit on (must be the afro, women love that) I start to feel insecure. I REALLY don’t want to compare myself to my boyfriend but I can’t help it. The adorable thing is he is CONSTANTLY stressing that I’m going to get hit on. I keep reminding him that he has nothing to worry about.
Thanks for making me feel comfortable enough to say this out loud. I feel like a freak.
I’ve been thinking about this very thing, but in a different vein…and well, shoot. I have been too scared to write about it out of a fear of sounding arrogant and whatnot.
I can’t believe I’m going to say this and I hope it doesn’t come across wrong.
As someone who was all sorts of awkward growing up, I finally hit my stride in my mid-twenties and guys actually checked me out.
While my husband is like yours in his (very) vocal adoration, it is still nice to get outside “confirmation”, as it were.
And I still do sometimes when out and about. Some friends and I talked about it this weekend and about how sad we will be the day we realize that nobody looks at us anymore.
(That sounds so VAIN. But I spent too much time typing to delete this comment. I’m invested.)
So…I get what you are saying. And I also don’t believe nobody is giving you sideways glances because HAVE YOU SEEN HOW HOT YOU LOOK?
I’m thinking you just haven’t caught them looking ;)
You’re getting ogled. We men are less blunt about public ogling in our older years. Although, according to Hollywood this doesn’t apply if you work at a construction site.
Also, be aware of the sneak cell phone photo. I get about 1 a week from a buddy of mine. It’s easy to pass off photo taking as texting. Just think, a photo of your butt taken in line at the coffee shop could be bouncing off satellites as we speak. :)
It’s not you. It’s winter in Seattle. Pretty soon it will be warm and you can put the North Face fleece away and wear sleeveless tops and, gasp, skirts without tights and you’ll get those looks again. You’ve got a fierce body girl, with a sexy tattoo and good hair. You’re just weatherly-challenged. Don’t worry – come June you’ll get the lecherous stares from the pig men in their minivans driving their kids around in their car seat as you walk into the grocery store. Can’t WAIT!
These comments have made me laugh.
I work as a librarian at a law school and while I’m around leering students the better part of my day, it recently occured to me that they think of me as The Boring Librarian.
Oh, well. At least I can count on my husband to be affectionately inappropriate.
God, I am SO GLAD you said this. Because I feel like that too. Especially after hanging out with my sisters (all of whom are younger and much hotter than me). And I hate comparing myself with them, but I just can’t help it. I think most women feel like this sometimes. It’s just like you said – no one wants to admit it because they don’t want to sound shallow. But that doesn’t make it untrue.
I’m sorry, but the issue cannot be fully evaluated unless you post (tasteful) nude photos of yourself.
Wow. I mean, I kinda expected to check this post in order to leave a comment and find that eleventy bazillion people had beat me to it, all to say, “Yeah, me too.”
Because I feel this way. Dude, I was totally a maneater before my husband. And even after I married, I could still turn heads. But now? Now I’m a mom. The most we have to aspire to is MILF.
For what it’s worth, I would totally do you.
Pass that along to JB.
Oh Sundry. You’ve done hit the nail on the head. I get what you are saying, and I get how you are feeling.
You? Are not alone….
I cannot think of a more natural desire to have. Feeling desired by those who haven’t signed on to lust after you for reasons that run deeper than just the bouncability of a quarter off of your ass is so, so normal.
When my husband tells me I’m hot, I know that wrapped up in that is something more than just primal reaction. And while I love love love that – as you said with JB – it’s just nice to know you’re still working it.
I think you’ve got it, FWIW. :)
Can’t adequately express the relief I’m feeling from reading these comments. OH THANK GOD I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE.
Well I think you’re extremely hot and I like to fake hit on my female friends, so believe me if we actually knew each other IRL, then I’d hit on you all the time.
First of all, this is NOT NOT NOT weird, OR dumb.
Secondly, I know that *I* have a mild case of Obliviousness when it comes to this stuff, and I would bet you are the same, especially if you are used to JB’s, um, not-so-subtle tactics. I tend to dismiss little things like a guy holding eye contact for just a HALF-SECOND longer than normal, although I am told that is what passes for a check-out at our age.
According to my husband, men evolve beyond the biological compulsion to oogle. That does not mean that they stop checking out hot women. They are just way more sophisticated. That quick glance? The friendly smile? That is the mature man’s version of oogling. I don’t know if he’s right but it sure makes me feel better. Even if the only friendly smile I get is from the coffee barista as he hands me my change.
I know what you mean. I was once a striking young woman, but those days have come and gone. I know my husband adores me and still thinks I’m beautiful, but everyone ONCE in a while is too much to ask for someone of the male persuasion to appreciate me from a distance? You are not being ridiculous at all. I think all females think about these things from time to time, even if we don’t admit it.
Ha! I, like Bianca, tend to garner the most attention from homeless and/or obviously crazy men too.
You don’t sound like a douche and you don’t sound like you’re fishing, and I TOTALLY get what you’re saying. I just turned 30 and I don’t even have any kids to blame it on…but I can’t believe no one has pointed out the obvious here, Linda. YOU DON’T GO TO BARS ANYMORE. YOU ARE NEVER SURROUNDED BY DRUNK MEN ANYMORE. Therefore, all the men who ARE checking you out in daily, non-inebriated life are sober enough to be more subtle, and not try terrible pick-up lines on you.
As usual, you just succinctly summed up (is that redundant?) the feelings we 30-something married women (except I just turned 40, fuck) feel but are too intimidated to say out loud. It doesn’t matter how happily partnered we are; the feeling of being appreciated by people who aren’t supposed to never goes away. I work on a college campus and it’s been over a year since I’ve been rudely hollered at; very depressing.
Totally with you. It drives me NUTS!
I’d even take a wolf whistle for godsakes.
Throw me a bone!
Yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean. It is very depressing and hurts the ego so much!!!
What you need to do, is pass by a construction site in your highest of shoes, with your tightest jeans and lowest cut blouse and I guarantee you will get something. :o) Not that you are fishing or anything. Hee!
I think I agree with Amanda’s theory…besides that, are you SERIOUS? HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF?? I sort of hate you! In a green monster sort of way. =)
Yah, try driving a minivan. I could be buckass naked driving the aforementioned minivan, but it’s like I’m invisible or something.
No Linda, you’re not alone. And I totally agree that you’re probably being checked out a bit more discreetly, or else you’re occupied with the kids and don’t notice. But rest assured, you’re getting checked out.
But yah, a cat call or constuction worker whistle would be nice once in a while.
Ok hon, first of all you are totally gorgeous so I think it has more to do with the wedding ring and the kiddos than your looks. But I do understand how you feel. Even before I got pregnant with #2 I still felt like no one ever looks at me anymore and I am only 28.
Unfortunately I live in a small town with a large college and therefore am surrounded by young nubile 20 year olds. My husband gets hit on a lot more often than I do. It seems that when a man gets older (he’s 34) and has a job, home, family, etc he becomes more desirable and for a woman it is the complete opposite.
Thank God for horny husbands that make us feel hot.
Can we get Tony and Craig to give us a primer on what we SHOULD expect nowadays? Because dude I totally miss the outright ogle. See what seems screwy about this situation is that at the age of 35 I have less time to pay attention to being ogled…hmmm maybe that is it…it is still happening, I am just not as observant! Combine that with men becoming SLY about it…crap no wonder I don’t “catch it” happening!
The only guys who check me out are skanky construction workers. That? Is worse than not being checked out at all.
The other night I was on my way home from work at 1 am, and this young guy in the next lane at the light motions at me to roll down my window, so I do, he says lets race, loser buys drinks, I go dude, my little car would smoke you, and I laugh.
And then I laugh again because he has just tried to hit on a woman old enough to be his gramma and the shock on his face was fuckin priceless.
On the flip side, at my age, you can go anywhere and do anything, and no one even notices because you are a middle aged woman, and supposedly stable and mature. HA, if they only knew.
My generation of baby boomers will be the ones growing pot in their immaculately trimmed back yards. Taking viagra like it is blue m and m’s. Driving fast because we can afford to amp up our cars, boats, and yeah, people might not check me out coming, but they surely will going. When I blow their doors off.
It’s a trade off, and if you have a personality to fall back on and your whole life hasn’t been built around your looks, it’s not so bad. The people who have invested their whole lives in being pretty with no substance, they are really in for a shock. We all get old, and gravity works on all of us. How you handle it is up to you.
(Just so you know tho, if I had your body, and know what I do now? Hell I’d be naked all the time! Enjoy!)
Craig, how about posting your home address and I will pay you a visit
Y’know, there were times back in the day that I got hooted and honked at just walking downtown on a sunny summer day. (Maybe walking downtown with a VERY SHORT SHIRT had something to do with that?) And I used to get asked for my number pretty much every time I went to my favourite bar to dance.
But the thing is, I don’t go to that bar anymore, because that would require me to stay up past 9pm. And walking downtown in the summer? Well, lets just say that I can’t remember when I last did that without pushing a stroller.
So yeah, maybe at this stage it’s partly lack of being in situations where we would get ogled, y’know what I mean? At least, that’s what I tell myself. :)
About four years ago or so, not long before I became pregnant with my daughter, I had guys checking me out all the time. Smiling at me from neighboring cars, whistles in parking lots, flirting at gas stations, random men coming into my workplace telling me how nice I looked . . . and now? Nary a second glance. Either I give off “mother” vibes or I have completely lost my mojo. I felt wonderful and . . . well, worthy, I suppose back then and now I feel frumpy even when I know that I’m not. I don’t know WHAT that’s all about, but valid I suppose since so many feel the same.
why don’t you go bra shopping again – snaps some more pics along the way – post em….
Bet you’ll get noticed (again) then!
Linda – you are so totally not alone in feeling this way. I just had a conversation with one of my best friends about this very subject. She and I are both in our 40s and (if I do say so myself) are both good looking women, but once you reach a certain age it feels almost like you become invisable to the oposite sex. My friend says she still gets looks from creepy construction workers and me…I’m a hotty to the hispanic gardeners. Woot!
hmm. I haven’t been ogled in a while, either. By my husband nor anyone else… but then again, I *am* 30 weeks pregnant. So having a random stranger ogle me would be kinda gross.
BTW, when are people going to start wanting to touch my belly in the grocery store and stuff? I’ve got my “knee-jerk” reaction all planned out and ready to deploy…
I never used to get oogled and I found it so depressing. Then I randomly stopped wearing my wedding ring and I get hit on ALL. THE. TIME. To the point that I think I might have to start wearing it again.
Trust me, you are hot stuff. People just think you’re taken.
You are SO not alone in this! You are in the slump between youthful-checked-out-hottie and MILF. It comes around again. Wait until the boys are older. Surprisingly, you WILL get checked out again, in kind of Mrs. Robinson way. Which is (admittedly) a little creepy when their in their teens (cause hey, they’re teens), but when they get to college, well – - well it’s kinda nice! There’s something about a sweet 20-something guy who thinks you’re hot no matter how old you are.
Yes. Everything you said.
Oh and when you post pictures, I’M looking at you! ;-) Hello? You’re a hot gym Mom.
I’m not married, nor do I have kids, but I do know married moms who say the same thing. It’s not shallow.
I don’t think i was ever ogled much, so I don’t notice it now that it is surely gone with approaching middle age. (oh god, middle age)(is 40 middle age anymore or not? i’m confused)
WOW! Looks like you knocked this one out of the park judging by all these comments! Struck a nerve! Good for you!
ps- I looked at your pics on your site and you’re totally cute (bitch!)! :p
I honestly don’t get this, because I get hit on all the time. However, it might have something to do with the fact that my son is now 16, so I don’t tote around small children. It also probably has something to do with the fact that I work at a college and 75% of my hits come from college students. And trust me…I look nothing like you. (ie: not as pretty or as thin) I think that being hit on is not as desirable as you might think. It’s really rather a pain in the ass to explain to someone that you’re married and therefore can’t go out to coffee. They just go on to say “Yes but are you happily married?”
Why would you really want this hassle?
I think no one’s hitting on you because you’re so pretty you intimidate the hell out of them.
Oh man, everyone feels this way. Am guessing that all of the above commenters are right and you are either oblivious to the ogling or men are noticing the littles hanging off of you.
I work in a very appearance obsessed industry so am considered very ugly and old in my office and yet am HOTT on my commuter bus. It is a weird weird situation.
Maybe you just need to ride a bus?
Oh, yeah, I know. The other day my husband sent me into a pizza place to grab a table while he parked the car, and some nice dude came up to me and said “Julie?” and I’m like “No, sorry. I’m Mary.” And he said “Damn.” In a “Because you’re cute and I was hoping you were my blind date” way. I was so terribly flattered for all those same reasons, and while I’m all blushing and happy it occurred to me that hello–THAT’S what’s totally exciting for me–some guy at Old Chicago being relieved that I’m not a total toad.
Try this: go without your wedding band for a couple weeks. I lost mine for about three weeks last summer, & was propositioned three times! AND I was nowhere near the hardbody that you are. Also: I was older than you are. (In the interest of full disclosure, I will add that I was making eye contact & smiling at people, so you know. They were not being totally unreasonable.) Of course, you will politely turn everyone down, but still, sometimes it’s nice to be asked. :-)
Craig’s comment and JB’s reply are priceless! Still laughing.
Last week I was meeting my husband at a bar. Before he got there, a man WEARING AN ASCOT was ogling me then came over and asked me if “this seat was taken.”
I guess what I’m saying is, totally depends on who’s looking.
I have always wondered if I have some backwards form of body dysmorphic disorder, where I think I look normal but I’m secretly an ogre. I never EVER get hit on (I’m in my mid twenties, and happily settled but STILL). I think I just fail the je nes se quoi factor. Or I actually cover my naughty bits, unlike all the undergrad sorostitutes at my school….
I completely empathize. Especially since I married awfully young and then had babies awfully young, I still have actual pangs of longing for the days of flirting, which for me ended very abruptly.
My problem is that I am more vain (or desperate?) than you- I am not oblivious at all, but instead tend to read WAY too much into those half second eye contacts and brief smiles. Then my sister, who IS still single and hot and blond kindly explains to me that the guy was looking at her, not me. Whatever.
Dude – every time I see a picture of you I’m like “DAMN I wish I looked that amazing after kids.” But I get it – you’re not looking for lingering glances from married-with-kids-moms in the internet :)
Totally know what you’re talking about. I have 2 small kids, a full time job, and some extra pounds that I’m hauling around…. No time to get a haircut or a brow wax, don’t want to buy new clothes because I hate how I look, massive crush on imaginary character. Yeah, you could say I know where you’re coming from….. Sigh.
Was just thinking about this at dinner, in fact, as I lumbered through burrito place. Living in a college town, I remember when college-age boys looked at me with something other than pure unadulterated fear in their eyes, as they do now, at nine months’ pregnant.
Linda, they gaze at me in MORTAL TERROR, like I’m some kind of cautionary tale. Which for them, I am.
let’s see – the last time I was “hit on” was when I was 34 and still in the Army Reserves. I was doing my last Annual Training in Ft. Lewis – right down the road from you, and this super cute 25 yr old Sergeant told me he liked “the cut of my jig”. Of course he had to explain that to me because I’m clueless and thus is took all the magic out of it – but at least it was something. Anyway, I totally get what you’re talkin about – you’re feelings are so completely normal, they’re freakish.
You are just hanging out at the wrong places. You have to hit up some really trashy dive bars around midnight. …um, yes I have tried it and it works. You don’t even need to hang out long, you will get your fill of being eye-effed by lots of strange guys in about 3 seconds.
I totally get this – and always have! I was never ogled much when I was young, was single for more years than I care to admit and now have a partner who probably loves me but isn’t big on the compliments (his favourite “compliments” include comparing me to Winston Churchill and Louis XIV…). I’ve put on weight in the last couple of years so now hate the way I look and generally “cope” with that by eating whole bags of Malteser’s in the middle of the night (I know, I know). Plus this year I turn 40 and at my annual gyne appointment today my lovely doctor told me, very sweetly, that I need to start getting mammograms this year.
My only salvation is the 3 months a year that I teach postgrads – I never get hit on, but do try and dress “better” than when I’m just working from home and sometimes I can sense a slight interest from some of them. Makes me feel like a queen!
Kirsty, please pass along this virtual web-only dickpunch to your partner on my behalf for those so-called compliments. Make that a dickpunch AND a nad-stomp.
Bleah- being oogled at is overrated. I still get that once in a while, and it always makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes, I guess it’s not too bad, like when I am walking down the street and some weird guy yells, “hello sweetheart!” out his van window, but I like being married and not really having to worry about that anymore. I guess I shouldn’t gripe too much, because I am sure I get the attention because people always think I am younger than I am- that is definitely a good thing!!
I check you out all the time. Lookinnn good
JB, I don’t actually swing that way, so no visit with a baseball bat necessary, but I still think your wife is hot.
It was worth reading all the comments just to see JB’s slid in there.
The closest I came was when a completely drunk slightly paunchy acquaintance in a receiving line turned my polite kiss on the cheek into a sloppy smack on the lips . . . Oh brother. Yeah . . . more sophisticated ogler . . . I’m going with that.
Yep, I feel the same way. In the last five minutes, my husband has told me I am cute and also that I am beautiful and I still feel like he HAS to say that because he married me.
Why don’t we believe them, and need strangers to affirm that we are still attractive?
I think men may have gotten more subtle about the looking and admiring because… well… women at one time, kind of en masse, let blatant “construction site” style oglers know in no uncertain terms that it sucked and word got around and men grew “afraid” and younger men coming up became more sensitized. Heh. Blame feminists.
It may be that, with all this working out you’ve become too hot, Linda, and you’re intimidating them all.
The wedding ring also spells “taken.”
I can guarantee if you make eye contact the response will be immediate. I hate attention and purposely avoid looking too long at other people (strangers), lest they think I’m keen. One day, though, I was walking downtown and thought I saw someone I knew. I made eye contact, waved, smiled, and as I approached the guy – who wildly waved, smiled, and returned eye contact – discovered it was a complete stranger.
Wow, was that embarrassing.
Suggestion: take a stroll in some public arena with a gay male friend. He’ll let you know how many are ogling you.
I’m 45 and I get checked out way more often or at least more visibly than when I was in my 20’s and 30’s. I think moms of young kids give off a, well, mom of young kids vibe. I’m sure men find you very attractive (cuz judging from your pictures you are gorgeous) but they are more discreet with their ogling.
When my kids were young I felt like I was invisible to men, and no matter how complimentary my now-ex-husband was, I didn’t feel attractive. I suppose it’s anti-femnist but I like knowing that men are checking me out. I work in the entertainment industry and am surrounded by beautiful actresses – I need every bit of ego-boost I can get!
I’ve NEVER been one to get ogled/hit on/whatever and have always wondered about it. I am not unattractive or overly shy or anything else obvious, but I definitely throw off some sort of “don’t fuck with me” vibe. It’s not bitchy, just…not giggly or whatever. Which is not to say that you have to be goofy to get hit on, but maybe you know what I mean. Before kids, my husband and I opted to go to the gay dance clubs, where we could both get compliments (I enjoyed mine more than he enjoyed his, however)!
Now that I am a mom, and a pregnant one at the moment, it really is depressing to think about how out of the realm of possibility it is that I will be randomly flirted with for at least the next couple of years. This is despite whatever incredible efforts I may go through at the gym to get buff again.
As a native of Minnesota… my favorite part of this whole post is the title – which so APTLY describes that feeling of “Hey, I like who I am. Notice me! Appreciate my fineness!”
But then, it gets SO FREAKING COLD that it’s not always easy to appreciate the fineness.
I can so relate to this post. I’m four months post-partum with my first baby and while I’m just shy of my pre-prenancy weight…i can’t shake the ‘frump.’ My husband says I look great but an inapropriate whistle or sidelong glance would do wonders for my psyche,
Being as I’m 5′0 and weigh 267 lbs, I’ve never been ogled in my life, but I guess I miss it, too. My husband is sweetly lecherous, so it makes up for it. At least someone thinks I’m attractive. :)
Dude, you’re hot. Here’s what I think, you are so hot you intimidate. Seriously. I find I only ever get checked out anymore while driving, as soon as they see my ass it’s over ;)
Are you kidding me? You’re just not noticing, hot stuff.
NOT weird
AT ALL
and I’m with the hords who are saying you are definitely getting ogled. . .and just not noticing it.
Sadly, all of these comments agreeing with you say one thing: women have been conditioned to NEED male ogling to feel attractive and desireable, irregardless of their marital status, which is really kind of sad.
We are vain creatures and men are SHALLOW creatures who are always ALWAYS drawn to a woman based on her physical appearance FIRST (and the strength of her character and the capacity of her brain LATER–seriously, have you watched episodes of “The Bachelor” EVER?)
Despite that previous sentence chock-full of Feminist Angst, I will bet you my next Tax Refund that many, MANY more men are checking you out, you just don’t notice it. You don’t notice because you aren’t LOOKING. The difference is that your brain is far more pre-occupied with your kids and your husband (who ain’t so bad, so you think he’s a “Keeper.”) Those thoughts occupy so much more of your BRAIN than your “Man Radar.”
Oh, you’ve still “Got It,” but nowadays you exhibit a VIBE that says, “Oh, YES, I GOT it, but somebody else beat you to it first! LOSER!”
(Think Beyonce and her “Single Ladies” song!)
Oh, my god. Not weird or dumb AT ALL. I totally relate to what you’re saying. I get hit on most often by hobos (and my husband, of course.Not that I’m comparing them to–oh, never mind.) And…I know this flies in the face of every feminist teaching that has ever been drilled into our collective heads, but if you’re ever feeling sort of down about your looks, the best solution in the WORLD is to take the #1 subway train downtown during rush hour in NYC. Some of your fellow passengers will undoubtedly commence lavishing compliments on you, your legs, and possibly your butt, and you’ll be feeling better about yourself in no time. ;)
I’m not even going to read the rest of the comments because if they all say, like I do, that you are totally onto something universal and I am in exactly the same situation (including the gentlemanly and mildly offensive husband and the slight feelings of embarrassment over the whole situation), I don’t need to read them and if they don’t, I don’t want to. There. Have a sexy day!
I totally feel the same way. There is no way you’re not being ogled you’re HOT!
I’ve been hit on a few times in the past few years……..by nerds. Nice huh?
I just finished grad school, but two separate occasions I got to be good buddies with good-looking guys in my classes. It was a big thrill. I totally felt hot. Then ON BOTH OCCASIONS it turned out the guys were gay. Awesome. So hot guys were NOT actually flirting with me AND I have no gaydar.
I remember exactly the last time it happened to me. It was on my birthday – FIVE years ago! I totally feel what you have described!
Also, it could be that the people who would normally be ogling 30 year old women (i.e. 30 year old men) are most often already married and, thankfully, know better than to be ogling hot women they meet on the street. Just a thought…
Kate,
Nah.
And you should know better, we men don’t ogle at women our own age. There’s at least a 10 year rule. :)
I’m in my forties with a husband and four
kids. I wouldn’t mind being hit on once
and a while, however the only guys that
seem to notice me are extremely weird or
over the age of sixty. Those sixty year
olds are a randy bunch!
You don’t hear other married women complaining about this? Really? Who ARE these women that you know?? I complain about it. My husband I have been together for 10 1/2 years now, married for almost 7. Even on the slim chance that someone DID flirt with me, I don’t think I’d remember what to do. I’m pretty sure I’d just duck my head and scurry away. *sigh*
Whenever I read your blog, my hubby comes and peeks over my shoulder asking ‘did she post any more hot pics of herself?’ I showed him your before and after pics on Bodies in Motivation, and he was like ‘……WHOA….. we need to go to Bellevue next time we visit Washington.’ So consider that a long-distance ogle!
Oh GOD no! I bitch and moan about that on a somewhat frequent basis too. And, like your hubby, my boyfriend is a pro at comments that are alternately as sweet as anything you could find in a chick flick or more reminiscent of an NC-17 movie. Either way, it’s all good. But I’ve learned that if I ever want to fish for compliments, all I need to do is stop by a senior center. Or, for some reason, McDonald’s any weekday before 11am. Those octogenarians will try to woo the panties off you.
I actually wrote a post about this a bit ago…I had to have my wedding and engagement rings cut off due to a crazy confluence of circumstances and just didn’t get around to getting them fixed for several months. During that entire time I never got hit on. Not once! Man, that sucked.
As a hot Minnesota mom I object to the title of your post.
Nope, not the least bit bothered at the fact that my husband (Tony) has admitted that he ogles 20-something year old women. That’s nice.
In all seriousness, it doesn’t bother me. As far as I’m concerned, ogling is mutually practiced by both sexes and might as well become an accepted pastime.
And I do believe that we 30-somethings have gotten better at the subtleties. I would hope so after a couple of decades.
Maria on the other hand does stay within her age group. She has a secret crush on JB.
Years ago when I lived in Manhattan (read: much younger, short skirt wearer) I would often walk between our two office buildings. Right by a large construction site. Where the guys hooted and hollered. I would walk the long way around to avoid that site.
One day I am walking with a non-short-skirt-wearing co-worker. I said let’s don’t walk that way, you know those guys. She had no idea what I meant. As we walked past, no catcalls, no whistles. I clearly remember thinking “what would be worse than enduring this would be it never happening to you”.
First of all, Try having a VERY hot younger sister (8 years my junior) and two very hot SILs (9 years younger) and then go to Vegas with them. GOODBYE delusions of being hot. Heck, I would settle for MILF.
Wait, that’s not true. I do get ogled. From guys driving down the road in their rusty pick up trucks, wearing a wife beater, screaming, “hey BABY!”, and weigh…oh…500 pounds and are probably named Bubba Joe. I manage to maintain my dignity as I step over their tobacco spittle.
Oh, I STILL relive two not-so-recent incidents: when the guy behind me in line at Dunkin Donuts said, “Damn. You’re a gorgeous woman.” (Two years ago?) And the bouncer who ID’d my husband but not me and said, “What? No way!” when he looked at my ID. (Five years ago?)
I cling to these. So sad in so many ways.
sometimes i feel this way, then feel a little bit silly. you should come into nyc and i’m sure you would get loads of cat calls!
If you’re ever in need of a “compliment” and a good oogling, feel free to come and visit me. We’ll walk around the block a few times and I’ll guarantee you at least one migrant worker leaning out the window of a pickup truck making smooching noises and yelling “hola mommie, how you doing, where you going?”
It’s not dumb AT ALL. I even complain to my husband about it. He tells me I’m sexy, blah, blah, blah…but I long for more…to be young and sexy to random passers by! One day my husband and I were talking about this and he said, “People look at you all the time”. I of course told him he was crazy and went about my business. A few weeks later we went to the mall and as we were walking my husband stopped…dead in his tracks and yelled, “See something you like? I know she’s good on the eyes but you don’t have to stare”. I turned my head slowly only to see a young (maybe 25ish) man looking completely humiliated! My husband is not a confrontational person but apparently the constant staring really go to him. As we continued walking he said, “See, people still look at you, you just don’t notice it.” Maybe we become so content with our lives that we simply don’t notice anymore…even though we think we are paying attention maybe we aren’t!
Sorry Linda. At the risk of OMG what is he going to retort next, my husband is a boob.
Oh, and IF it were true, would anyone blame me? He takes pictures next to sidewalk dongs. That in itself is ogle-worthy.
I bitch about this all the time. I would LOVE to have a guy notice me. I remember back in my 20’s I had a good friend who was about 10 years older than me and she told me the minute she turned 30 she became completely invisible to men other than her husband. Now I totally get that. I don’t want to go back to my 20’s, but can’t I at least get ogled as a MILF? Sigh.
No. I am going through this, too. I am also becoming increasingly anxious about aging and the coming era when I’m actually not worthy of a stolen glance. I never thought I’d care, but I sure do.
This means it’s time for another remodel. You need to put yourself into the proximity of some construction workers. Pronto.
Just be glad that you’re not walking with a friend who is a good looking woman and they’re very clearly ogling her, and make a point of saying that it’s not you, it’s her they’re wolf whistling for. Because that sucked. Er, sucks. Not that it happened to me. No, it was a friend of mine. Who shall remain nameless. Rhymes with Butter Ditch.
Obviously totally normal as you can see by now.
And..
JB – go get him!!! haha
OMG, Linda…JB is cracking me up with the comment to Craig. :o) He is so sweet.
Seriously?! Be glad you have a man in your life period. I’m sorry, but have no sympathy here for you.
@ Shutter Bitch – and then there’s the flipside of that: walking with your sister who, when the catcalls start, visibly preens and declares that that happens to her ALL THE TIME. Like they’d never be whistling at you, no, no.
Though to be fair, and more than a touch catty, she was probably right since she was dressed like a prostitute. And I’m not exaggerating – she had a very Pretty-Woman-inspired outfit on at the time, including the thigh-high boots and shirt that had to be clipped to her pants to stop it from popping up over her boobs, which you could see most of.
Okay, I have been thinking about this since I read it yesterday, although I haven’t read the comments so forgive me if I repeat. At 42, I am quite past the catcall stage of life, and if anyone is checking me out, I certainly don’t know. I look good, I feel good, I don’t care. It’s actually…and I can’t believe I am going to write this…a relief to have that be all over and just be ME and not some object to be judged by others. It’s kind of freeing to not give a shit because I really used to care, a lot.
I think I can pinpoint when the whistles and hoots stopped. It was SOOOOO annoying back then and now when it happens, it makes my day. I just became skinny again and am only 5 feet tall so sometimes I look a lot younger than I am just because I’m short. It doesn’t happen often, but I will take it when it comes (or as JB would say cums)
Dude, too funny and too true. There is a male barista at SBux who is very friendly to me and it always gives me a lift. Pathetic.
Also, JB shouldn’t be too worried about Craig – I’m pretty sure half the commenters here have secret crushes on him. How could we not love a chalk-dong-posing guy?
And just to be clear, I am not trying to pee all over your take on this, AT ALL…just where I am right now!
Oh I am in the realms of realising that I lost young and sexy before I ever got it. 46, mother of 6, grandma…..my sons friends who are all in their 20s all call me ‘Mother’.
You’re not alone. Sadly.
Oh OH…I just remembered, I was behind a handsome man in line yesterday and the lady on the checkout said ” are you together?” I replied “oh..No” and he said “That’s a shame!” DOES THAT COUNT?? Did the grandma get hit on because that would be SO cool!
You have over 100 comments on this! Whoa!
This may have been said already, but I bet you get ogled plenty when you’re in the gym and all pumped up. I bet both the men and women are ogling your hot biceps and tattoo and wishing they looked like you. Even if you personally feel sweaty and gross in the gym.
I’m wayyy older than you and I definitely get ogled when I’m cruising around town on my racing bike. Those are the ogles I want: the fitness ogles.
(Or maybe those looks are from the bike-hater car-drivers who want to run me down.)
I just 30 minutes ago left an appointment and while sitting at the light to head back to work when I got flirted with in a MAJOR way!
This old, bald man with NO teeth driving a total piece of shit gave me one of those seriously over-exagerated winks! It was such a proud moment!
I had to call my husband who was right behind me at the light and tell him to look out for his competition! HA!
I love your blog and will keep coming back however this post left a sour taste in my mouth. Mostly b/c even if you prefaced this post with a “please-don’t-think-I’m-fishing-but” comment, it’s still sounds like you’re fishing and I don’t know, I suppose that’s one of the perks of having a blog, but still.
Come on Linda, you know you’re hot. Do you really need your faithful readers to shout it out to you?
I don’t want to sound trollish but since you put it out there, I feel like SOMEONE needs to tell you this is a bit on the tacky side.
I was never ogled, at least not that I remember. But if I had been, I would feel the same way you do and it certainly appears as though most who have been ogled can relate! I’m hoping with some basic maintenance, I can make it to the nursing home stage where some guy with cataracts will find me attractive.
I don’t take this as Linda fishing for any compliments… really. I think she’s just talking about a topic that many of us have thought about. I used to get double-takes as I drove or walked around and I have to admit, it felt good. I don’t get that anymore. Period. Nada. Sigh. Possibly because I drive a Subaru Outback with dog nose smears on the back windows and a car seat in the back seat?! I know what you’re saying, Linda.
And, you are not being tacky. A lot of us are thinking the same thing about ourselves and it’s nice that someone else puts it out there. Don’t ever feel like you need to curb your writing style (aka being HONEST!), we love you just as you are.
Haven’t read all the comments so I don’t know if anyone has brought this up, but the great ol’ pacific northwest is not the place to get ogled. Most of the men here seem to have had that part of their personality removed or there’s moss or mold growing over it or something. I’ve been single for a loooong time and while I admit to being a bit oblivious to the signs and signals, it doesn’t take a smack in the head with a brick for me to get it when a man throws a little appreciation my way. Rarely ever happens here. But when I travel to parts south and east, it’s a whole other universe and suddenly I’m the most beautiful thing around. I get the “you got it goin’ on” look so much that I know it’s not just the change in whatever vibe I’m putting out. PNW men (JB and a few others excluded) are just a MOSSY bunch.
Interestingly, the few times in the past few years that any guy has expressed interest, he turns out to not be a native PNW’er.
I didn’t comment before, but after reading today’s tweet I had to come back & check out the comments.
(JB’s was pretty fucking funny.)
I’m 42 & married (although I look very young for my age, the compliments and ogling have pretty much dried up) and have to say: Walk by a construction site if you want, but please ignore the advice to go without your wedding ring. Surely you don’t want compliments so badly that you’re willing to pretend your single. That’s not just desperate, that’s dangerous.
You’re probably getting ogled plenty . . . it’s just that the kinds of guys who do the most ogling are the same kinds of guys you’ve likely trained yourself not to look directly at (i.e.: ones that ooze DOUCHEBAG).
It has been brought to my attention that some people are offended by the post title (*sigh*), so just let me say I was thinking of the Soundgarden song that has the lyrics, “I’m looking California, but feeling Minnesota”.
Wow, I can’t believe so many other people echo the feelings that you already expressed . . . and that I TOTALLY share.
Holy crap, but it’s been AGES since I’ve been “checked out;” since a guy was “interested,” and it might be shallow but dammit, it sure does make a girl feel sexy when menfolk (external to the family unit) eyeball ya.
It’s like I’m starting to get to the point where I wonder why I put in all the effort, you know?
Delurking…There was an article in…Elle? I think a few months ago by one of the staff writers who was saying how she’d never been ‘the hot chick’ blah blah blah and she was going to do an experiment in sexy/slutty dressing/makeup to see if she got different results. which she did.
SO I think it’s all about how you present yourself, and not just an ‘I’m beautiful and smart and confident’ way, but rather an ‘I’m available’ way (and possibly an ‘I’m kind of ho-bag’ way)
Oh, I thought of something else: I think we DO get checked out—but by guys too old for US to be noticing THEM. Like, 10-15-20 years older than us. I tend to still be looking at guys MY age, but THEY’RE looking at the 20-year-olds. It’s the guys in their 40s and 50s who think we’re hot stuff. The other day I kept looking up to find some guy looking at me, and I was like, “What? Why is he looking at me? Are the kids too loud?” and it took me, like, an entire meal to realize he was CHECKING ME OUT but that because he was, like, 45-50, he hadn’t been on my radar in That Way.
Wait. Kalisa? Appearing single is “not just desperate, that’s dangerous?” I am fairly certain Linda is not talking about wanting to HOOK UP with strangers or mislead suitors. I don’t think ANYONE, even those who suggested that she remove her wedding ring to see if she gets different reactions, is implying that.
Also, what about those of us who actually ARE (*gasp, sob, pity*) single? Dear god someone MUST be desperate if they are willing to look SINGLE, because what could be more dangerous, or more awful than being SINGLE!?!
Diddo to all, and to all, a good night.
I thought the title referred to that early/mid-90s movie starring Cameron Diaz and…Keanu Reeves, maybe? I could be getting it confused with something else, but I seem to remember something about them kidnapping Alicia Silverstone.
Anyone?
About ten years ago, I had a 60 something client who had had a ton of plastic surgery and had obviously been a hot ticket in her day. I remember her telling me how strange it was for her to walk down the street and NOT turn heads, what a loss of identity and confidence. I didn’t get it and, frankly, found it rather sad.
That was because I was 25 and as hot as I’m ever going to get.
NOW I GET IT. There are NO heads turning my way (and, yes, I am hugely pregnant but even before that!).
I feel like it shouldn’t matter and it doesn’t really. Except when it JUST GETS TO ME.
And I think the consensus is… (drum roll please): So NOT DUMB! We all want to feel desirable and it’s tragic when you realize you’re no longer getting the looks.
The only looks I’ve gotten recently were from far away- like me driving in the car. Then when I actually pass by, closer, they look away when they see how old I am. Sigh…
Six years ago. ER visit on the way home from work. Very attractive and funny doctor. The last time someone flirted with me. And I was in the agony of shingles.
Well, nobody ever ogles me. I used to just assume it was because I was ugly. But you’re not, so maybe it’s because of the married thing. Then again, nobody ogled me before, either. So ugly then, for sure. You’re not though, I’d ogle you any day.
It’s a wonder how women ever get married, neurotic creatures that we are.
I miss being checked out by ATTRACTIVE guys, because when a car full of 20 year olds honk at your behind while you’re pushing a stroller, you know they are scrubs (remember TLC?)
Just, you know, FYI, everyone at the Spa event was checking you out.
“Everyone” you say?
Um, yeah, pretty sure it was everyone.
[And ditto the commenter who showed her S.O. your befores and afters....and saw his hair blow straight back.]
I wanted to chime in and say I can totally relate! And from the looks of things, we are in good company!
Also, do you read the Black Dagger Brotherhood novels by JR Ward? Cause JB’s comment made me lol, and reminded me of a “bonded male”.
So not wrong! I’ve been with my now husband since I was nineteen, I’m 26 now. Unlike you, I look LESS great than I did years ago, and my husband still finds me very attractive…. but yes, I want other people to see me as attractive too. He asks me why, it doesn’t matter as long as he’s still attracted to me…. but I still want the occassional up and down glance. From a stranger. It shows marriage hasn’t killed me to the rest of the world, right?
Man, you must be getting looks you just don’t notice, because DANG girl. You look good! I would kill do look like you.
And you’re not weird AT ALL.
Hilarious!! I was seriously thinking the exact same thing the other day and too felt lecherous. But I used to get SOME attention before the babes in arms, but now, nada. I mean even construction workers are like, “eh.” My bra’s fantastic so they don’t know how the boobies sag, and my clothing is seethrough proof. Suuure I’ve got strech marks, but only husband gets the privilege of seeing them. Maybe it’s the glazed “wtf have i gotten myself into” look that I seem to be sporting as of late. (my girls are the same age as you boys, but a little closer together. i know. kill me.) Mah.
Oh, so not dumb, I absolutely know how you feel… I am feeling all topped up this week because I met up with one of my high school friends, who blatantly stared down my shirt. Ta DA! I got ogled! It made the plunging cleavage all worth it, though I nearly froze off the functional bits because it was so damn cold.
If it helps, my husband cannot walk past my laptop without checking you out when you post pics of yourself with the boys. I will refer sometimes to “my bloggy friends,” and he will ask, “the chick with the cool tat?” and if I say no, he will immediately lose interest. So you seem to be hitting the toddler-dad demographic pretty well.
I am in the same boat, and you couldn’t have said it better. I miss it too.
It’s so not dumb, I think most of us feel this way. I was actually talking to my husband about it, and he noted that for a lot of guys in our demographic, their idea of what’s hot has changed, and it’s the mommies that have it goin’ on, and also that men have gotten a lot more subtle as they’ve aged, just as women, especially mothers, have their attention on other things. He told me that I get checked out a lot and I was all “You crazy!” and he started pointing it out. He’s right. The guys are more subtle AND it wasn’t on my radar. Ask JB, maybe he’d be willing to tell you when you’re being checked out, especially if you enjoy a, ah, increase in confidence, shall we say, when it happens? DH sure likes the results when he shares with me.
I was waiting at a crosswalk downtown the other day, and some guy in the group of people reached out and grabbed my ass. In addition to be startled, annoyed, and eventually outraged, I was also kind of smug, like, hell *yeah* i do have a nice ass.
People: I’m actually referencing a random harressing ASSUALT as something that made me feel GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.
Dear Lord, that can’t be a good thing.
[...] Linda wrote a provocative post last week and since I read it, I’ve been marinating it around in my brain juice, dissecting it and then tossing it around in there. In it she wrote about noticing – and mourning – the perceived loss of attention by men: how it makes her feel frumpy, kind of invisible – and also kind of silly for even being remotely wounded by something so superficial. [...]
I feel so relieved,(RELIEVED!) when I read these types of posts from you that I’ll be okay as a mom, because you are so normal…still!
I don’t think you are wierd or dumb for feeling this way. I feel the exact same way. There is something confirming about a stranger oogling you. Not in the predator way, but yeah…it’s nice to know that i still have my womanly-ways of getting attention. Too bad for me, it is usually just my D boobs. sighhh.
Since reading this a few weeks ago, I’ve been trying to check out moms as obviously as possible w/o crossing over into “creepy” territory.
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I think since you are young and beautiful it isn’t that you aren’t being noticed, but you aren’t noticing that you’re being noticed…what with your focus on ensuring the safety of certain little men that require attention to keep them from harms way. I find, when I’m out with my kids, that I don’t notice a lot of what goes on around me. I’m busy tracking them as they float in spectacularly random orbits around me and whatever aisle I’m in.