I know you don’t want to hear about my stupid lame shitty week, but man, what a stupid lame shitty week it’s been. It’s been cold and windy and dark and rainy and everything looks like this:

Screen shot 2011-11-17 at 10.12.56 PM

I haven’t been running because it’s so miserable outside and by the time JB gets home the last thing on earth I want to do is go out into the pitch-black world and be alone with my brain some more.

I feel grumpy about having gained some weight and the grumpiness makes me want to eat which makes me gain more weight. My pants don’t fit.

I’m tired of cleaning other people’s messes. I feel nearly weepy, sometimes, with the truth that it never ends, never. I’m annoyed by everything, from the clutter and crap and stickiness to the constant pshew pshew pshew machine-gun noises they make.

During the last two days in a row, I’ve ended up yelling at Riley. Not without reason, I don’t think, but last night I realized that not only am I probably blowing each transgression out of proportion, I can’t seem to figure out when to move on from the moment. When he gets into trouble and the consequences are doled out (yesterday it was toys getting put away in time out), well, what next? He just wants the scolding to be over with so that whew, everything goes back to normal. Me, I’m still pissed, I’m not ready to let him off the hook just yet.

How long do you let that go on, though? Giving your kid the cold shoulder, letting him know you’re pretty goddamned displeased with his behavior? I feel hateful and ugly when I’m mad at him and god knows it’s the last thing I want happening in a house that already feels like it’s closing in on me, but, well, shit, sometimes he’s so frustrating, and ARGH.

I feel like all the murky parts of myself have come swirling to the surface this week, and man, I’m glad it’s over. Time to kickstart into a better frame of everything.

Comments

53 Responses to “Lake bed”

  1. Holly on November 19th, 2011 3:05 pm

    Same here. While I don’t always agree with everything you write (who does – and it’s probably not your goal anyway) I do love how you confess to having crappy parenting moments. I’m a stepmom and we have full custody (no visitation from the bio-mom) – and it’s exhausting – a lot of the time. I think sometimes I feel frustrated and pissed off with him b/c he’s not “mine” but then I read about women with bio-kids feeling the same way and it’s totally refreshing. Like maybe I’m not doing this all wrong and the annoying crap is just part of the deal.

    Nothing bad lasts forever – just a phase. Force yourself to go to the gym just once a week and you’ll feel better just for trying. Endorphins are magic.

  2. nicole on November 24th, 2011 4:20 am

    Runner’s World is sponsoring a holiday streak. It’s an easy one mile a day commitment from Thankgiving till New Years. Even with travel I can handle the one mile. I live in N.E. Ohio where a perma layer of clouds roll in mid November and doesn’t leave till March. One mile is a enough to shake off my blahs and keeps me motivated to do a bit more.

  3. The Weekly Review: Week 36 - Cheap Ceus on September 17th, 2015 1:31 am

    […] it go and move on. And yet, you’re having trouble letting the transgression go. Linda wrote a post about encountering that very situation more times than she’d like in her week. I completely […]

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