January 30, 2007

Tell me, how can something that’s so spectacularly cute cause so much pain?

deathbyshoes.jpg

High school boyfriends, rabies-infested Angora bunnies, and Steve Madden heels: CRIMES AGAINST NATURE.

They look so benign, too. Low heels, gently rounded toe, there’s nothing there that should make my feet feel like I’ve drunk the Sea Witch’s potion, and yet my every step in these devil-shoes is one of limping agony. I foolishly wore these this morning and even though I traded them in for flats before I left the house, I’m still gimpy.

I am Barbaro. Call the glue farm.

I wore those fucking shoes for one night in San Francisco three weeks ago, and I still have scabs on my toes. My apologies for using the word “scab” in a non-union-focused blog entry because, well, ew, but that’s what the hell they are: SCABS. From an ill-advised three-block journey which left my feet so destroyed I actually walked through the hotel barefoot, despite a vivid mental image of the unseen hotel carpet detritus I was moseying over (Eluviation Layer: Various Bits of Street Filth; Regolith Layer: Dogshit Particles and Human Skin Flakes; Bedrock Foundation: Sputum, Sputum, Sputum). I put them on today because I am apparently so mouth-breathingly stupid I believe that a pair of severely uncomfortable shoes, if given enough time, will magically morph into something tolerable, possibly by rearranging all the bones in my feet.

Other than hurting myself with fashion, it’s been a low-key week so far. JB’s parents left this morning, which means we can turn the heat in our house back down to non-tropical levels, but sadly it also means the built in babysitters are gone and we’ll have to pay attention to our own son. God, what a pain in the ass.

I’m just kidding (sort of), but Riley will surely miss having his grandfather around, because much like he plays favorites with JB, he is completely enamored with JB’s dad – while showing only a cursory interest in JB’s mom. It’s marginally comforting to know I’m not the only female in my son’s life who plays second fiddle to the much-preferred MAN, but really, I’m starting to wonder if it would really be so wrong to sport a strap-on dildo in Riley’s presence. Sure, it sounds bad, but I’m just talking about tipping the scales back in my favor.

Actually, I may have a second shot at becoming the Preferred Parent, although I swear that’s not the reason I finally decided that I was on board with trying for baby numero two-o. It has to do with wanting Riley to have a sibling and having one more chance to smell a newborn’s head and probably being sort of eternally, optimistically foolish (see above re: shoes) and anyway, so yeah, I don’t have any idea how long it will take, but we’re officially going for it. Oh my god.*

* By the way, how disturbing is it that after I posted this, I saw on my referral-tracking-RSS-thingie a search for “regret second child”? If you regret one of your own children, is Google really going to help? I mean, isn’t that what eBay is for?

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jen
jen
15 years ago

good luck on “going for it.” :D

Scott
15 years ago

Wow! Congratulations! That’s, like, huge. Should we start volunteering names? I am trying to get someone, anyone, to name their kid “Kosmopolis”. Such a good name. Think about it for a while – it will grow on you.

warcrygirl
15 years ago

Did those shoes not hurt your feet at the shoe store, or did they spring it upon you ambush-style? You will not regret baby numero two-o but be sure to take my best friend’s advice: stop there as #3 will push you over the edge. As a mother of three I took her at her word and stopped with Captain Destructo. Good luck and have fun with it!

Mare
15 years ago

Have fun!

Misty
15 years ago

oh yay!!! numero dos. I am baking #2 in my oven now, and my boy is almost NINE, for crying out loud, what the hell was I thinking?? And we will probably go for #3 quickly after, yikes. Have fun “working” on it!! thats the best part.

serror
serror
15 years ago

I have those shoes, and love the look but HATE how uncomfortable they are. I have worn them exactly 3 times. And had terrible blisters each time. I should return them to Nordstroms just out of spite.

Sooo exciting about future baby #2!

clearlydistracted
15 years ago

Good luck with that endeavor. Once you make your mind up to do so, it practically becomes an obsession, doesn’t it?

On the other thing: My husband tells me I have an extremely high tolerance for what he calls “fashion pain”. In other words, he’s seen me put on the uncomfortable but cute heels or the awesome but kinda itchy bra one too many times.

Philos
15 years ago

!!!

Good luck to you.

Alyson
15 years ago

Just a warning…….baby #1 took us 18 months to conceive. Baby #2 took ONE month to conceive. Baby #3……well, we were trying NOT to get pregnant. Until my husband had his vascetomy, I lived in fear of getting pregnant a fourth time. Heck, it still makes me nervous sometimes. Our accountant has a post-vasectomy baby…..she’s about 16 now! And if anyone us going to beat the odds, it will be my DH.

dorrie
dorrie
15 years ago

Work, work, work.

Ah well, SOMEone’s gotta do it! Good luck to you, sincerely.

April
April
15 years ago

my dad had a vasectomy only two weeks AFTER my mom got pregnant with my little sister…. guess what doctor moved the surgery back a month and a half so he could go on vacation? yeah.

Good luck on the trying!

Josh
Josh
15 years ago

My advise: throw the shoes out. You know you’re just gonna put em back on in a month and regret it once again. As for another spawn of Linda, go for it. I’m just glad to see that there are still people reproducing who are atractive and intelligent. My daily interactions with the world often lead me to believe otherwise.

Susan
Susan
15 years ago

Good stuff! You and your husband make the most beautiful babies.

Katie
15 years ago

Yay! Good luck on the trying!

I have never found a pair of Steve Maddens that did not totally destroy my feet (yet still, STILL, I am stupidly optimistic, and while I’m standing in the shoe store my hatred for Steve Madden fades as I am blinded by the cute.). I am convinced that his shoes are not tried on or walked in by real, human feet before release.

Emily
15 years ago

Wow. Good luck. With the heels, that is — Steve Maddens seriously are a bitch, which is why it’s best to buy them for $30 at Burlington coat factory, so that you don’t feel guilty when you put a hex on them and then throw them into the back of your closet.

And, of course, regarding Potential Baby Number Two: great! Soon, you’ll be only one kid and two nationalities away from Jolie-dom! Wheee!

Swistle
15 years ago

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I was just reading along and you just casually drop a bombshell just like that? This is so, so exciting. So exciting. I need to sit down for a minute.

Melanie
15 years ago

Oh, my, wow! Good luck!! I love how you casually insert that at the end, after we’re all blinded with dildo-laughter.

Kathryn
Kathryn
15 years ago

People–there will be NO THROWING OUT of the uncomfortable shoes! Haven’t y’all heard of blister strips? Put them on where you know you get a blister–scabs are a good indicator–and voila! Blister free! Or close enough! Bandaid has good ones, but the best ones are the generic kind at my grocery store…they stick on really well, and they’re super cushy.

Please. Do it for the shoes.

Erin
15 years ago

Oooh, I’m convinced Steve Madden hires the devil himself to cobble his shoes. I won’t even buy them at the thrift store anymore, because seriously? Not worth it.

Kirsten
15 years ago

Oh geez, you always have to throw the big news in at the end don’t you?

Hubby and I finally decided to surrender and try for #1 – that was 7 months ago…who knows how long it will take – BEST OF LUCK to both of you – if anyone should procreate it’s you two!

Kathy
15 years ago

Just make sure the strapper matches the Steve Madden shoes. You don’t want any faux pas like that in front of your child, now do you?

Liz
Liz
15 years ago

Wow, I have those shoes, except with a different bow. They don’t hurt me, which is weird because all my other shoes hurt.

Katie
15 years ago

Oh goody! Now I get to watch you do the second baby thing for a while before I decide to try it myself! Good luck with all that….and have fun in the process! :)

The shoes are cute, but I agree you should toss them (I’m not sure giving them to charity is even really an option, because it might just be mean.)

Gillian
15 years ago

Don’t you remember morning sickness??!?! I’m 8 weeks pregnant with my first right now, and two weeks ago I swore to NEVER get pregnant EVER AGAIN because this SUCKS SO BAD. (I fully expect to forget about this terrible, stupid part of pregnancy and give this baby a sibling at some point.)

Shannon
15 years ago

Cute shoes! I hate that the cutest cause the most pain, argghh!!

Congrats on deciding to go for number two. We are working on number two ourselves..21 weeks!

Melissa
Melissa
15 years ago

Have fun going for #2. The next one will be a Momma’s boy or girl for sure! Good Luck!

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

Congrats! For some reason I can’t explain I’m thinking girl girl girl…

Amanda
15 years ago

Nice ploy to get out of staying on your diet! ;)

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Nice bait and switch on the title. I was expecting something out of the pilot of ‘Dirt’ ;-)
Congrats and good luck, that will end up be really good spacing between the children.

Anais
Anais
15 years ago

Congratulations! This is a huge step. I wish you guys the best.

Daily Tragedies
15 years ago

I have sworn off all Steve Madden shoes ever. They lure you in with their cuteness, but I’ve yet to find a single pair that’s actually comfortable.

Have fun with numero two-o! I’m excited for you already!

Danell
Danell
15 years ago

I’m going to go sit down for a minute with Swistle…because SQUEEEEEEE!!!! OHMYGODOHMYGOD! So exciting!!!

M.A.
15 years ago

Yay! Perhaps a baby Rilette who will fawn over you and one day STEAL your Steve Madden shoes. BTW, I have a theory about those exact shoes – the cut is too low on the side so it puts a lot of pressure on the side of your foot (which in my case would be pouring fatly and oh-so-attractively over the edge) and the heel, in spite of it’s benign appearance is secretlya torture device. I have one pair of SMs that I adore — they are wood-heeled semi-dress flip flops (with darling buckle) which make so much noise that my friends have come to refer to them as my “Stealth Sandles”. But I love them.

Beth
15 years ago

Is it awful that I’m a lot more intrigued by the referrals RSS thing than the baby thing? I mean sure, the baby will be interesting when it happens, but you already have a referrals RSS thing and I really want to know how you do that please.

Sundry
15 years ago

Amanda — I think that excuse only works once you actually *are* pregnant. DAMMIT TO HELL.

Beth — I use the tracking software Mint (haveamint.com). It’s got a built in RSS feed everything it tracks. I’m usually only interested in the referrals, so that’s all plugged into my Google homepage. Along with feeds for People.com, because god knows I need to read about Paris Hilton every flipping day of my life.

Shawna
15 years ago

Whoa! Good luck with that!

Sue
Sue
15 years ago

How exciting!
I was thinking of you tonight after I ate a whole bag of chips ahoys afer the kids went to bed. MY REWARD! I swear after the superbowl (GO BEARS) I will go back on WW!
Have fun working on #2. :)

Sue
Sue
15 years ago

How exciting!
I was thinking of you tonight after I ate a whole bag of chips ahoys afer the kids went to bed. MY REWARD! I swear after the superbowl (GO BEARS) I will go back on WW!
Have fun working on #2. :)
P.S. I love the reference to ebay. Pretty crazy about Melissa going on the today show! What is your take on the whole thing?

honeybecke
honeybecke
15 years ago

YaY FOR BABY V 2.0! Finally, jeeez! (Hahah just joking with ya mama.)
I am so happy for you and your little family!
We find out on Friday if we’re having a boy or a girl and oh my am I excited!!!!
I tried to reschedule earlier this week cause Friday seems ages away! Am I impatient or what?
But no go, so we wait till Friday which might as well be the change of the century.

Oh, and also? Hooray for no birth control! Have fun kids!

nonsoccermom
15 years ago

Too bad about the shoes – they are really cute. Like you, I would probably continue to try and wear them anyway (because I JUST NEVER LEARN).

And good luck trying! My husband and I are planning to give that a go ourselves…

Jill
15 years ago

I have the same shoes (the bitches!) and they kill my feet, too. I continue to wear them only because my stupid ass told my husband “it is the price you pay for beauty”. That was before I was rudely made aware they would make me want to chew my foot off at the ankle instead of wearing them one. more. time.

That would violate my rule: never let the husband know you were wrong.

Meg
Meg
15 years ago

Cool! Good luck with baby #2!

samantha
samantha
15 years ago

Congratulations on trying for a new little one! How exciting for you.

jonniker
15 years ago

Awesome all around.

And damn, those shoes are cute.

Kurt
15 years ago

You’re a brave person to persist in wearing those shoes. It does seem odd that from the outside they look so innocuous. Perhaps they defy normal space and time and the insides are an Escher-like non-reality based shape specially designed for maximum foot discomfort. One can only imagine the brainstorming table banter when this shoe germinated.

Alex
15 years ago

Am excited for you and JB. And, of course, Riley. I’d like to order a girl this time, please.

Cari
Cari
15 years ago

Only you can get away with “shoes from hell, carpet funk, in-laws, strap-ons…oh, by the way I think we’re going to try for another suctopus.” Oh. My. God. I am so excited for you and your little family. I’m waiting for my first one to emerge any day and I can only pray that we make kids half as cute as you guys do. Congratulations!

Leah
15 years ago

Oh, you’re killing me. I wish you much luck and comfort in both departments.

Jennifer
15 years ago

aw, yay! good luck!

Colleen
Colleen
15 years ago

YAY!!!!! How fun!!