What part of a toy shark’s anatomy is this supposed to be, exactly?
sharktoy09.jpg

What the hell is Maisy doing to this sheep?
maisysheep08.jpg

Why do babies like to sleep with their hands in the air like they just don’t care?
darmsup08.jpg

What made Riley decide I was worthy of receiving THIS expression?
boredface08.jpg

And lastly,

Why can I keep two children alive but not a fucking houseplant?
deadplant08.jpg

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Jem
Jem
14 years ago

I’m glad they are rhetorical questions, for I have no answers.

sweetney
14 years ago

i too kill plants in droves. it’s something i’m good at, and i’m not good at many things.

Laura
14 years ago

My friend Jen says those are the shark’s claspers, which means it’s a boy shark.

Orange Peacock
14 years ago

Because houseplants don’t throw screaming tantrums.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

I have the same type of plant but mine only has 1 vine! I draped it over the window in our kitchen. I’ve tried to make cuttings from it and they never live, just that one vine. It’s about 6 or 7 years old I think.

Naomi
14 years ago

Wow. Ok so the shark has big vagina lips; Maisy is fucking the sheep (wow, great lesson for all the kids out there! LOL); your kid is SUPER cute sleeping with his arms up in the air like that and OMG Riley has ATTITUDE! Totally great photos. :)

beach
beach
14 years ago

You are one observent twisted individual…and I love it….Dylan is getting cuter by the day!!…throw the plant out….I gave up on house plants years ago….things are supposed to grow outside I say!!!

beach
beach
14 years ago

Also….Riley is a force to be reckoned with…I hope you are still blogging when he is a teen!!!

bouncy
14 years ago

I am an orchid killer myself. So…I have no answers either. Let me know if you figure something out.

kalisah
14 years ago

I’ve said for years that I can’t believe god gave me a baby considering how many houseplants I’ve killed.

Jennifer
Jennifer
14 years ago

Riley is working the bershon!

I love Dylan’s little sweater (shirt?)! Maybe they sleep all sprawled out like that because they’re so happy not to be all bunched up in Hotel de Utero any more?

I can’t keep anything green alive either and am thus envious of anyone with a green thumb. You might want to try orchids – I’ve heard they’re hard to kill!

clarabella
14 years ago

Hahaha! I call it my “black” thumb; houseplants be warned!
It is quite strange that that shark seems to have a vagina. Quite strange.
And my son still sleeps like that at 10 months. I have no answers for that one.

andi
14 years ago

If you figure out the answer to any of these questions, please let me know. Although I think we both know the answer to the shark question – clarabella nailed it in the comment above.

Michelle
Michelle
14 years ago

Hilarious … if you figure out how to keep a house plant alive, let me know. I kill them all :)

tulipmom
14 years ago

When we moved into our house 4 years ago, a friend gave me a plant just like that b/c apparently they are impossible to kill.

Actually, they’re quite easy to kill. At least that was my experience. I have to agree with beach that things like that should grow outdoors.

Roseann
14 years ago

I believe those are remoras, on the bottom of the shark.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Remora

The only way I can keep a houseplant alive is to tell my mom I think it’s dying, she takes it home to nurse back to health, but then I don’t have room for it anymore.

Jean
Jean
14 years ago

Hmm… I think if you trim back the plant a little bit and re-pot it in a larger pot with fresh soil, it might perk up. Although I have this knowledge, I never do it to my own plants and they suffer and/or die. I am ruled by laziness.

susan elizabeth
susan elizabeth
14 years ago

god, i love your blog.

mandy
14 years ago

Me too, I just love it.

JMC
JMC
14 years ago

I don’t want to speculate on the Maisy thing, but that part of a shark is its claspers, making it a male shark. I don’t remember why exactly they need TWO penises, since they only use one at a time. Makes for an easy shark menage-trois, I suppose.

Amber
14 years ago

Riley: Why is Mom looking at my shark that way?

Hehe. And by the way, that shark is WRONG on many levels.

Belle
Belle
14 years ago

Aw, who cares about those ole plants anyway? I buy them when they look good, manage to keep them healthy and thriving for about 2 years, then when they’ve had it with me, pitch them and buy new ones. I mean, c’mon! They are disposable, right?

When cats and dogs sleep all sprawled out like that, it’s said they are feeling safe and secure. So, not to compare Dylan to a pet, but perhaps he’s feeling the same way!

Anonymous
Anonymous
14 years ago

Your son Riley has beautiful eyes.

As for the plant, too much water. My theory is ,,,, if you can remember the last time you watered a house plant, you are watering it too much.

I live a thousand miles south of you in the desert but the same holds true. Water a plant when needed, hold a baby all the time.

You, are a wonderful mother.

Heather-in-Australia
Heather-in-Australia
14 years ago

I’d say Maisy just asked the sheep if it had a proctologist’s exam in the morning and the answer was “no”.

Matt
14 years ago

There is a very poignant scene in Planet Earth, the ridiculously awesome nature series, when a shark jumps out of the water to eat a seal and is suspended in the air for ages. Everybody I’ve watched it with had looks of awe and amazement on their faces. I couldn’t stop staring at the great white’s huge flopping penis, just smashing it’s body left and right in bullet time…

Also, that cartoon is probably Welsh…

sara
14 years ago

I’m totally with you on killing plants. Killed the plant I got from my grandmothers funeral. :( ugh

Sparkle Pants
14 years ago

Claspers or no, I say it looks like a vag. VAG SHARK! VAG SHARK!

sara
sara
14 years ago

dylan is so freaking cute that it hurts my feelings.

also – i hate maisey. but have you seen the pissing pants episode? it is by far my favorite.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

I am wondering why the bread I am eating tastes like it has cayenne pepper in it. That’s a first for me.

The shark parts…ewwwwwwwww. TMI!

If maisy’s a mouse, shouldn’t she be a lot smaller than the sheep?

Are your kids too cute for school or what????????

Love that expression on Riley.

Karen
Karen
14 years ago

I was once in church when the pastor pounded the pulpit and said “and this is a rhetorical question that DEMANDS an answer!!!” My husband was mortified when I and my best friend snorted out loud in unison.

Oh, and the plants? I can only speak for my dead botanicals…. it is Because They Don’t Whine. If they did, I’m sure they would also get whatever food and drink they needed to make them quiet.

Chloe
14 years ago

I third the claspers– glad I wasn’t the only one who thought that!
It’s not a penis (that stays retracted until, er, it’s REALLY time)– it clasps the female when they are getting ready for intercourse, while the penis is getting out and into position. Sharks have it rough, they aren’t really designed for sweet nookie, so they need specialized organs to keep everything going in the right areas.
I checked wiki, but they had no more info (in fact, less!) except that it’s also called a valva. Well… it LOOKS like a vulva, in this shot!
I’ll leave the rest of your problems to other people who can’t resist “rhetorical” questions.

thejunebug
14 years ago

Yep, they’re claspers. All male sharks have them. They are actually both penises, sort of. The spermatophores are contained within the cloaca (both male and female sharks have them) and they are forced out of the male’s cloaca and down a groove of the clasper, which has been inserted into the cloaca of the female. Also, sharks do it missionary. ;)

Riley looks drugged. LOL!

My mother in law keeps telling me I can’t have babies till I’ve proven to her that I can keep a houseplant alive. I told her that houseplants don’t cry when they’re hungry and that if she wants me to keep a houseplant alive, she should make it plastic.

Constance The One Hundredth

One of my new years resolutions was to keep my damn plant alive! I have been successful so far which surprises me since every other one has died on me.
Riley and Dylan are absolutely adorable!

LauraH
14 years ago

We have that exact same, half dead vine of some type in our house. I begin to think they’re supposed to look like that.

Claire
14 years ago

I think Roseann is right about the shark’s remoras. Also, I have killed many plants and more Betta fish but somehow, my son thrives. Perhaps there’s not a direct connection? Although, I must admit I was worried if I could actually keep a kid live after all that failure. Looks like you’re doing a pretty good job too!

Kaire
Kaire
14 years ago

I want to cultivate that look Riley has. It’s the most AWESOME look ever! It conveys so many emotions so clearly, mostly “wow, I’m in awe that YOU can dress yourself …”

emily
emily
14 years ago

That picture of Dylan is absolutely beautiful! He looks so peaceful.

Also, thanks for continuing to write because you not only help me feel normal, but also make me laugh my ass off.

GoingLoopy
14 years ago

I finally gave up on real plants. If my cats don’t kill them, I do. (This includes several that my mother told me were “impossible” to kill.)

Joanne
14 years ago

My kids never sleep like that, they’re always batting themselves in the face so I have to swaddle them. It looks so nice and relaxed.

Julie
14 years ago

I once killed an aloe vera plant and those things are supposed to never die. Cute, cute pictures of the boys.

Question: Has the time change kicked you in the ass like it has me? Two kids + time change = wailing and gnashing of teeth at our house

Lawyerish
14 years ago

Wow, you have some readers who are tres knowledgeable about shark anatomy. Color me impressed. I figured those were remora (remorae?), but clearly I was wrong-o.

In that shot of Riley, it looks to me like he’s thinking, “Thanks a lot for bringing that little squalling *thing* into this house, MOM.” It’s good practice for his displeased look as a teenager when you won’t let him stay out past curfew or go to an R-rated movie.

kristylynne
kristylynne
14 years ago

Your ivy is expending all its energy growing longer and longer. What you want is new growth in the middle. Cut all those long hangy things so that they only reach to the bottom of the pot or so. (You can stick the cuttings into water and they will grow roots, too.) Set it near a sunny window. Give it a little MiracleGro every time you water it — they sell it in small bottles and you put just a few drops in the water each time. It will fill back in.

Anonymous
Anonymous
14 years ago

replant, feed and water, dont put those plants in direct sunlight, mine was beautiful and i put it outside, thought it needed some sun, and i kilt it, kilt it good.
but it came back to life and is thriving wonderfully. if you want more shoots bring some of the shoots and stick them back into the soil, use a paperclip, made into a u shape, to hold it in the soil.
its well worth the trouble, i love my plant, here is a photo at Flickr.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/72889449@N00/2323919221/
Its in between the door and window, no direct sunlight.
the other questions, i have no answers, but the boys; beautiful creatures!

Stephanie
Stephanie
14 years ago

Don’t water the plant. I have to same one on my desk here at work and I think it gets water MAYBE once every 2 weeks. That and the florescent light make the thing grow like crazy. Go figure.

Brooke
14 years ago

I kill plants, so all mine are fake. Saves a lot of trouble.

I think your commenters are probably right about the claspers thing, but if Riley asks I would def. go with remoras.

Allison
Allison
14 years ago

If that’s a TV the plant is on. . . it could be why it’s not happy. They tend to be sensitive to emissions from electronics. Honest to God, I’m not making it up.

Queen of Shake Shake
14 years ago

Definitely not Remoras on the shark. I’ll bet good money against it.

I’ll fifth (or sixth?) the claspers. You have a boy shark there.

I don’t think I want to know what is being done to the sheep.

Because babies don’t care, that’s why.

That looks like a “mom farted” face. I’ve seen them quite a lot in my two boys.

I think the plant may have died from a sunburn? That plant, if it’s what I’m thinking of, doesn’t like direct light.

Jamie
Jamie
14 years ago

The plant still looks very much alive to me. I am thinking it is root bound and needs to be repotted into a larger pot.

Sleepynita
14 years ago

In my spare time, I kill basil and all other herbs… except cilantro for some reason that shit grows. Yet I can grow a human and remember to feed him and the dog regularly.

GO. FIGURE.

P.S. I took you reccomendation off your other site re: Bare Essentuals (?) and it totally rocks.

ang
ang
14 years ago

I think all babies do the arm thing. It’s the post-in-utero freedom wave. Whoo hoo! Look at me! I can sleep all sprawled out now!! But, that’s just my theory.