For Dylan at 14 months.

Consistently
when prompted
you tilt your little flower face up to offer a kiss
to the stuffed lion puppet.
But you will rarely
kiss me
in the same way.
What
the hell, kid?
The stuffed lion puppet
did not have its abdomen sliced open with a meat cleaver
so that you could make your entrance
into the world.
A little gratitude
please.

:::

You bitched and moaned
so mightily
over the small blue broom
I finally said fuck it
and gave it to you.
Now you push it all over the house
making swirls of dirt and dog hair
stopping only
to point accusingly at the
tall
YELLOW
broom
kept in the utility room for the express purpose of killing spiders
and scream, scream, scream at the unfairness
of it all.

:::

When you first
bapped your little hands together
in the sign for “more”
I thought oh!
He is a prodigy.
But now that I’ve seen how you
so eagerly throw yourself backwards
in order to smash your skull on the
nearest hard surface
I am a little worried
about your future
test scores.

:::

So tell me
if I took this Eggo waffle
and wiped it on the floor
collecting a repulsive mix of
pine needles, filth, and animal hair
would you
eat it
THEN?

:::

They say do unto others
as you would have them
do unto you
and frankly
the notion of
someone squirming their fingers
into my armpits and
wiggling them around
while I shrieked with hysterical
uncontrollable
laughter
sounds really really
unpleasant.
But that doesn’t mean
I am going to stop
doing it
unto
to you.

:::

I love the heft of your warm body
your outflung hands
your curious glances
but seriously, kid.
Could you do me a solid
and hang on when I carry you?
Consider the
koala
or perhaps the
tree frog.
Both fine examples
of the methodology I would prefer
that you employ
instead of this business
that involves my left arm
falling
the
fuck
OFF.

:::

I remember your brother
at eighteen months
how he screamed and pitched tantrums and was
generally
a spot of bother
as they say.
You appear
to have reached this stage
a full four months
early.
Hooray!
Gold star
for YOU.

:::

Here we are
all of us
in the bath together.
I treasure these silly, splashy
moments.
Even if you are curiously grabbing
my nipple
while your father joyously yells
TUNE IN TOKYO! TUNE IN TOKYO!

:::

Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Did you hurt yourself?
What is the matter
is there
blood?
Why
why
why are you shrieking like that?
What—
oh.
Oh, I see.
Your ball has
rolled under the couch.
Sure, I guess I can get that for you.
Just let me
take a minute
to ride out the palpitations
while shooting you the double eagle salute
first.

:::

I don’t know if I’ve ever
seen anything quite so awesome
as you dancing
(spinning in circles)
(doing knee bends)
to Eminem’s “Crack a Bottle”
Uh oh uh oh
bitches hoppin in my Tahoe

:::

You can say
ball
Dada
Mama
dog
kittycat.
You can walk, run, climb
and play peekaboo.
You are growing so fast,
sniglet
but on the issue of
getting yourself trapped between the couch and the side table
and sitting there bonking your head and wailing in frustration
let’s be honest
there hasn’t really been any
improvement
in months.

:::

At bedtime
you used to fit in the
crook of my arm
Now your body sprawls
from my shoulder
to my knees
and soon
we won’t sit
in a rocking chair
any more.
But for now we are here
you and I
in this
chair
in this
moment.
Shhhhhhhh.
The room is dark
the room is quiet
and we are
here.

:::

(Previous Parenting Poetry from the Spleen entries here.)

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wealhtheow
13 years ago

I relate to virtually all of these–especially the last one. Also the dancing one–little S doesn’t listen to Eminem, but he can GET DOWN to Led Zeppelin.

JudyU
JudyU
13 years ago

Husband screams…TRUE DAILY DOUBLE and I ignore hime and read your poetry and think….NEXT NOBEL LAUREATE. If only your peers were the judges.

Christy
Christy
13 years ago

Brilliant installment, as always.

Pete
Pete
13 years ago

Nice.

nancy
nancy
13 years ago

I love it, love it, love it! Dylan is sympatico with my Colin, 18 months. Thank you!

Amy
Amy
13 years ago

Perfect!

Emma
13 years ago

Seriously, I love you. This is the most awesome. So perfectly also describes my 17 month old.

warcrygirl
13 years ago

The waffle poem? HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Erin
Erin
13 years ago

All so funny, but my ultimate favorite is the ball under the couch! I know those damn the world has ended shrieks all too well!! All over some stupid little toy. =)

TheGoriWife
13 years ago

This and the link = 2x the curiously touched nipples. What is up in YOUR house?

Maria
13 years ago

These are awesome! My favorite is getting stuck between the couch and the table. Man, can I relate to that scene. It’s a daily occurrence for my boy these last few months.

Melissa D.
Melissa D.
13 years ago

Love it. I can also relate to the getting stuck between the couch and table. LMAO at Tune in Tokyo.

Hillary
13 years ago

My favorite was the plea to act like a koala or tree frog. Oh how I would love for The Boy to mimic those animals! Lately I’ve been telling him is SUCH a big boy, a BIG boy who is SUCH a GREAT walker … and then hearing him say his new favorite word in response: Uhp!

Rohansmom
13 years ago

Mine is 14 months as well, and I laughed until a little tear came out. SO my life.

Casey
13 years ago

Don’t you feel sometimes that you almost can’t afford to take the time to write it all down, as you have, because, EGADS, how fast they change and grow and break our hearts and what might happen next…better not look away.

Thank god they sleep so we can get something done.

velocibadgergirl
13 years ago

Love these, as always :D

Lesley
Lesley
13 years ago

while your father joyously yells
TUNE IN TOKYO! TUNE IN TOKYO!

sent tea spraying out of my nose.

erin
13 years ago

I loved every single line of these. Thanks.

Kerilyn
Kerilyn
13 years ago

You’ve mentioned Dylan dancing to Eminem a few times. We need video of it…please. ;-)

Leah
13 years ago

OMG – you’ve done it again! Thank you for absolutely slaying me before I’ve even had my first cup of coffee!

Michelle
13 years ago

Thank you for this – I don’t know which one is my favorite. Probably the imagine of little Dylan dancing to Eminem. Classic!

Eric's Mommy
13 years ago

Those poems were great.

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

As with last time, I don’t know if my snot was from the laughing or the crying, but either way – amazing.
And as if my ovaries weren’t already aching from the fertility hormones surging through me, this definitely finished the job nicely.

M.A.
M.A.
13 years ago

Goosebumps.

Coleen
13 years ago

Love it. Gold star for YOU.

Deanna
13 years ago

OMG! Too funny! I was laughing so hard I was crying – but trying to be quiet so as not to wake the toddler.
Also *loved* the re-run. Ahhh- Burn Joe. I DVR Steve episodes. I don’t mind Joe but the talking puppet Blue – yugck!

Amy M.
Amy M.
13 years ago

Beautiful!

Kendra
Kendra
13 years ago

I’m sick as a dog, and this made my day. Thank you.

Robin
13 years ago

These are why you are my favorite blogger ever.

Erica
Erica
13 years ago

Goosebumps AND tears.

Julie
Julie
13 years ago

Reminds me of those Jack Handy greeting cards I used to love so much.

erin
13 years ago

hi-larious (& sweet). made my morning, made my week – and i’m solo parenting it this week with hubby frittering around the masters tourney.

in fact, when they are driving me up a freaking wall, i will put them both in a corral..er..play yard, and do poetry readings, all & sundry style.

Swistle
13 years ago

I love the poems so, so, so much. I realize I have said this before. NO MATTER.

Joy @ Big Time Fancy
13 years ago

I ADORE your parenting poetry.

Red
Red
13 years ago

Ha! At least your’s SAYS Mamma! I had a beautiful two week window of it when he was about 9 months old and never since, little punk. Da-DAH is an awesome thing to say all the time, though. Ditto cookie monster, big bird, cracker yogurt and half a dozen others. Me? I’m just “she who is maybe still an extension of my self and will always be there and I need her right now damn it.”

Michelle Whitehurst
13 years ago

Hysterical! I enjoy reading you and wish I knew you in person! You crack me up!

jenB
13 years ago

Excellent. A real breadth of loving and wonderment and WTF-ing?

Shelly
13 years ago

TUNE IN TOKYO! TUNE IN TOKYO! Bahahahahaha, too hilarious. Even in all the ups and downs, I can’t WAIT to have kids! :)

Anais
Anais
13 years ago

I love these! I’ve enjoyed all of your poems about Riley- what a treat to read some about Dylan. They are hilarious and sweet. =D

Mom101
13 years ago

Publish? Please?

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

These are too funny! I think we deserve a video of the Eminem dancing!!!

Amy Q
13 years ago

When do we get a book of parenting poetry? These are fantastic.

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

Love these. Great writing as always!

beach
beach
13 years ago

sweet and sentimental with a dash of sarcastic hilarity!!….I love how you write!!

Swiggy
13 years ago

Your parenting poems are the best! So honest, real, and true. Keep it up!

Kari C.
Kari C.
13 years ago

Good lord, I almost sprayed my laptop with the hot chocolate I had just taken a sip of. These are hysterical, and sweet. Mostly hysterical. :]

Danielle
Danielle
13 years ago

I just love them, thank you for sharing your perfect humor!

Christian ODell
13 years ago

Fan.Tas.tic.

trackback
13 years ago

[…] From All and Sundry: […]

misguided mommy
13 years ago

Sundry I saw this and thought of you
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY ZOMBIE KILLING KIT
http://failblog.org/2009/04/08/emergency-preparedness-win/