Lord, was that ever a tedious weekend. We were visiting family in Oregon for Easter, and there was way too much driving and not nearly enough sunshine. The kids have had the same cold for weeks and can’t stop coughing, JB got sick halfway through the trip, and I think I lost my patience somewhere on the side of I-5.

This is where photos come in handy. Because sometimes pictures are a lot better than the boring, complain-y story that accompanies them.

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In other news, Dylan has completely changed his eating habits, in that he used to eat and now he does not. Seriously, he used to devour anything and everything and now I swear to god he is living on graham crackers and milk. And you know how people say, oh, don’t worry about it, he’ll eat when he gets hungry? Well, that’s bullshit. Because here’s what happens when a child doesn’t eat enough: they get cranky and upset and eventually apoplectic with rage because they feel like hell and they DON’T KNOW WHY. In the meantime, you’re trying to get food in their system but they’re all pissed off and wailing and flinging their hands around and eventually you have to TRICK them by employing some bizarre form of peekaboo/here-comes-the-spoon-plane! game in the effort to get one single solitary fucking calorie in their scream-holes so they’ll calm down for the love of GOD.

Mealtimes have become a colossal pain in the ass and half the time I just spread random snack items around on accessible surfaces for him to hopefully grab while he’s bustling by on his way to find some pointy object to poke in his eye and if you’re wondering why there’s a piece of string cheese stuck to your ass it’s because every chair in my house now has food on it THAT’S WHY.

Also, as long as I’m ranting, here are some more bullshit sayings everyone needs to put a moratorium on:

Nap when the baby is napping. Yeah, because it’s so RESTFUL to try and fall asleep when you have no idea if you’ll be woken up in five minutes or two hours. See also: being woken up out of a drooling coma after five minutes, murderous feelings caused by.

Just wait until they’re teenagers. Okay, I get it, teenagers suck, but why does everyone say this? Maybe MY kids will be awesome teenagers. I mean, probably they won’t, but don’t go crapping in my future Wheaties just to share the misery, dammit.

I stay in shape by chasing my kids! Shut the fuck up, Hollywood. Unless you’re chasing your kids at a dead run around a track for 30 minutes a day five days a week I’m guessing that 8% body fat figure of yours has more to do with the no-carb diet and personal Pilates trainer.

This too shall pass. So will that spicy chicken burrito I ate last night, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to be pleasant.

What are your least favorite parenting platitudes?

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Amy
Amy
13 years ago

Anything issue forth from a grandma! The eat when they get hungry thing is at the top of my list, also, “Boys will be boys!” And I don’t care if they have a penis they can still learn some damn manners!!!!!

Love the pictures…I needed a calming moment. I came home last night to find silly putty everywhere including wedged into one of the dogs paws. Love it when daddy stays home with them.

Mimi All Me
13 years ago

Another one is how every new Hollywood mom says they lost all the baby weight just by breastfeeding! Right!

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
13 years ago

My Son didn’t eat a damn thing for years. He lived off of yogurt, when he’d eat it.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
13 years ago

Oh ya! My Mother In-law said that Eric’s teeth would fall out if he only ate yogurt, she said he needed hard things to eat. My Husband and I still laugh about that.

JennB
JennB
13 years ago

OK, scream hole. Love it.
Embrace your rage: like their childhood, it won’t last forever. Just be glad you’re avoid the plague that keeps tag-teaming my kids: lice for the 4-year-old (we’re clean! I swear to god!!!) and mystery diarreah for the 10-month-old (is it the antibiotics from 2 months ago? Teething? Possible new food allergy? Sudden sensitivity to the formula he’s been getting since he was 6 months old?)
I’ve been doing about twenty-teen loads of laundry a week, between the two of them. When will they get a job and do their own wash!?!?!?!?!?!?

Jessica
Jessica
13 years ago

“It’s different when they’re your own kids.” Yeah, and what if it’s not? Are you going to take my kids if I change my mind after having them? No? Then STFU already.

Elisette
13 years ago

“Just wait…” followed by anything deserves a giant kick in the ass. I HAAAATE this phrase. It implies that your life is easy/easier than whoever is saying it, and it’s SO FREAKING RUDE.

Pete
Pete
13 years ago

May you have children just like you were.

Tony
13 years ago

How about “The Terrific 3’s”.

Come over to my house and get my daughter out the door in the morning and then call them terrific…I dare you!

Good example about my daughter’s morning here.

AndreAnna
13 years ago

My favorite:

“He/She is just like you were. Now you know what we went through.”

Um, way to be supportive. I don’t care if my three-year old’s histrionics are reminiscent of my early 80s tantrums. They suck just as much now as they did then. Only I don’t have my grown future child to rub it in their FACE.

Melissa
Melissa
13 years ago

I second it on the “boys will be boys” I have three boys and whenever I complain about the spray paint on the toy room floor or the chocolate pudding flung into the ceiling fan everyone thinks I should just have a hearty chuckle and say, “Oh well, they are just boys!”

Korinna
13 years ago

“Oh! Your baby is in daycare?”

Like I am Crap Mom of the Year. Makes me want to kick someone in the neck.

amber
amber
13 years ago

It’s not a platitude, but my mother-in-law once told me if I let my daughter eat carrots, she would develop asthma. I just feel so bad for the millions of asthma-sufferers out there who should never have eaten carrots when they were young. If only the media would catch on to this major health hazard.

The “blink and it’s over before you know it so be grateful blah blah blah” platitude grates for me. I will have just finished telling my mother how completely insane my daughters have been all day, and how I’m about to run screaming from the house never to return, and she pulls that gem out. “Really, Mom?” (blink blink blink) “Hmmm. No, it’s not over. This day still sucks. MADELEINE GET OFF OF THE CAT RIGHT NOW.”

This happens regularly.

SJ
SJ
13 years ago

I love it when you speak your mind Sundry!

My favorite phrase I hear(since I have two boys) is “So when you having a girl?” Oh shut the fuck up already. Who ever said I wanted a girl?

Love the photos of Oregon (each and every time you post some). I must visit there one day, it’s beautiful!

Meg
Meg
13 years ago

No platitudes, I hate them all.

But, my trick for my son that eats nothing? Carnation Instant Breakfast. He thinks he’s getting chocolate milk (which he is), I’m happy he’s getting a couple of vitamins stuck in there.

And, being an Oregonian, I’m amazed you had an outdoor egg hunt! We haven’t even bothered trying in years!

Courtney D
13 years ago

“haven’t you tried [insert obnoxiously obvious verb here…]” or “Maybe he just needs [another ridiculously simple thing, that was, of course, tried first!]” GAH. I hate helpful people.

Joceline
Joceline
13 years ago

I hated when my son was having sleep issues and people would say the following anything that started with “All you have to do…”

“All you have to do is start feeding him solids”

“All you have to do is get him on a schedule”

“All you have to do is give him formula”

“All you have to do is dance naked in the moonlight at midnight and sacrifice…”

I wanted to punch everyone of those people and invite them to my house at midnight, and 2am, and 3am, and 3:25am, etc.

danielle
danielle
13 years ago

Nothing makes me cringe like the phrase, “When I was raising you kids we would….” followed by “and you all turned out just fine!” It’s great that 30 years ago car seats were optional and that babies slept on their bellies while enjoying a tasty bottle filled with milk and powdered cereal as they lay in their crib. Please do not ever let me say that to my children (or their spouses)……

Tony
13 years ago

Damn html. Let’s try that again. My wife running through a typical morning with my “Terrific 3” daughter.

Click here.

denese
denese
13 years ago

sweet jebus do i hate it when people predict my baby’s future. she figured out how to turn book pages, everyone says she’s going to be a writer. she smiles at everyone she sees, she’s definitely going to have tons and tons of friends her entire life. most of her vocalizations are screechy squeals, well of course that indicates a career in the opera.

morons, please: she’s 8 months old. sometimes i get a little crazy and say things like, yeah, and she likes to pull the cat’s fur, maybe she’ll be a taxidermist? YOU NEVER KNOW.

p.s. why DOES your family do all the traveling? i pee my pants in fear just ruminating on our 8-hour round trip to my parents’ house with one kid, and your trip is much longer with one more kid…i vote not fair.

Christina
13 years ago

This post had me in tears! Though I have to admit I am user of the “this too shall pass” saying but dude my mom has been a recovering Alcoholic/regular at AA meetings for 25 frickin years. There was no escaping that saying!

The photos of the scenery are amazing – as much as the weather can be depressing some times the views are breathtaking!

OMG speaking of mothers, my mom used to tell me “what comes around goes around” every time I was a shit to her which according to her was often. I hate that saying when it comes to parenting. It seems sort of… mean.

pam
pam
13 years ago

oh, lawdy. as the mother of triplets, i have a whole slew of them that you will luckily probably never hear. my favorites:
– “do you watch that show, you know, ‘jon & kate + 8’?” (no, i do not.)
– “ooooh, you got your hands full!”
– “do triplets run in your family?” (i.e., did you do fertility treatments?)
– “did you do fertility treatments?”
– “did you breastfeed them?”

etc, etc. when i go out it’s like a travelling freakshow. sigh.

BellyGirl
13 years ago

I’m pregnant, so I’m hearing many, many phrases that make me crazy. Among them:
– “You know, they say you only need an extra 300 calories” Hey listen, if I feel like I need to eat a jumbo bag of peanut M&M’s as a snack, then I’m going to damn well do it, and frankly, I think my kid will approve.
– “You must be having a girl — they say that girl babies steal their mother’s beauty.” Listen, saying this at all is just evil. But saying it while I have a zit square between my eyes…c’mon…
– “Oh, my friend was nauseous her ENTIRE pregnancy” Seriously? Seriously. What about this phrase brings me any comfort whatsoever?
– “You are such a beautiful pregnant woman who looks like the perfect size for how far along you are”….oh wait, people never say awesome shit like that.

Christina
13 years ago

PS: I like that Riley is wearing his backpack during the egg hunt a la Diego!

warcrygirl
13 years ago

I can’t think of any platitudes that haven’t been listed already but I have gotten so really bad/mean advice: My mom insisted that I empty my baby’s disposable diaper before throwing it away. I don’t understand why she did this; disposable diapers came out when my little sister was born so I KNOW she’s used them but dunking the pooh into the toilet when I’m going to throw the entire thing in the trash? Her reason: “It’ll make the trash smell”. THEN TAKE IT OUT.

Second bad advice: My oldest son had a speech delay when he was three. I had a well meaning ‘friend’ call me out of the blue and cheerfully suggest that “maybe he was retarded!” Hey, maybe you should shut the fuck up! I think the most reassuring advice I did get was “They won’t be wearing diapers to kindergarten”. I thought she was full of it then because I was having NO LUCK getting the kid to go anywhere but his pants but she was right.

Okay, I’m done now.

Anonymous New York
13 years ago

“Don’t go crapping in my future Wheaties” and “So will that spicy chicken burrito I ate last night?” I fucking love you. That is all.

laura
13 years ago

I absolutely hate it when people try to give me parenting advice, and they say “Why don’t you just…” followed by some seemingly innocuous task. My father and his girlfriend are prime offenders here, and since neither of them have any real parenting experience, it is doubly annoying.

Katie
Katie
13 years ago

When people see my two rough-n-tumble boys, age 2 & 3, they always respond with “You’ve got your hands full don’t ‘cha!” I want to say “no shit, ya wanna babysit for 10 hours?” Neither of my boys sleeps for crap, crawls into bed with hubby and I numerous times a night, and the 2 year old is learning to scale tall buildings in mere seconds, so the sleepless and stressed mommy is in such need of a vacation that the hubby acquiesed! Vegas, Zumanity, and the Grand Canyon, here I come! THank god for Captain MOrgan otherwise!

becky
becky
13 years ago

Linda~ I love you! Seriously, the spicy chicken burrito slayed me.

justmouse
13 years ago

my mum has a TON of those piss-me-off-like-nothing-else sayings. her favorite actually applied to BEFORE i had my son..basically implying that i was a slut who would never find a husband, “why buy the cow when you can have the mild for free”. thanks mom.

and she ALWAYS uses the “this too shall pass” one. what that particular gem fails to mention is WHEN this particular shitty thing will pass. sure it’ll pass…but it could be 10 fucking years before it does. it also fails to mention what exactly i should do to keep my sanity until it DOES pass.

people should only hand out random pieces of wisdom/advice like that if it actually HELPS the situation. or, conversely, we should be allowed to hit them.

amandak
amandak
13 years ago

“He’ll eat when he gets hungry” is complete BS and comes from people who have no idea what they are talking about. My near 4-year-old has been living on various crackers and milk (sometimes with Ovaltine) since he was 1. No joke. My parents said I was the same way, but they believed people that said I would eat if I got hungry enough. I ended up losing weight and was diagnosed with “starvation.” I give my son whatever he will eat (within reason). He is rarely sick and his growth is normal. I had to learn not to stress out about it and ignore the peds advice to not give him what he wanted.

jonniker
13 years ago

HA HA HA HAHA.

All of it, seriously. “Just you wait …” is my favorite, however. Along with the “nap when …” for all the reasons you outlined. Seriously. Invariably when I nap with her, she wakes up in FIVE MINUTES OMFG.

babelbabe
13 years ago

if one more person responds to my “Yes, I have four boys” with “God bless you!” I’ll kill someone. I have to say, I love you all, you all made me laugh so hard I nearly peed myself. Linda, you rock.

ps. Also? I breastfed four children for at least a year apiece, and never once lost a gram of weight. Damn Angelina Jolie, may she rot in hell.

Oh, and if one more person tells my husband what a GREAT dad he is and ignores me standing there, I may also kill someone.

Anais
Anais
13 years ago

That spicy chicken burrito thing killed me.

I also loved all of the comments. So funny! Especially the ones about silly putty everywhere and chocolate pudding being flung into the ceiling fan.

Brenna
13 years ago

I hate the vaguely threatening “Just you wait…”

Wait for what? Apocalypse? The ice cream truck? Superman?Be a little more specific with your holier-than-thou parenting advice bullshit, mmmkay? Oh, and while I’ve got you here…fuck you and the high horse you rode in on.

Sorry, I’ve got MIL issues.

Ashleas
Ashleas
13 years ago

Oo oo! *Raises hand* I have nothing to contribute child wise as I am still in college, child-free and have no plans for one any time soon.

However, I have a useful, random bit of info that might help JennB with the lice. I heard that lice actually like clean-hair so maybe you could ask a doctor, see if that’s true and if it is.. maybe forgo a shower for a week? I don’t know how possible that is, but I wish you luck combating the little buggers!

Sarah
13 years ago

Most annoying to me, being from a Baptist background and therefore knowing lots of religious-type people? “Well y’know, the Bible says spare the rod…” whenever I complain about any annoying kid behavior. Okay, yeah, I’ll try that. I’ll keep a stick in every room and just whack them every time they pull a grown up book off the shelf or stand up on the couch or spill their milk or forget to say please.

Pocklock
13 years ago

It started when I was pregnant with,

“You think you’re tired now? Just wait until she gets here.”

And now it’s,

“You think you’re tired now? Just wait until you have TWO!”

DOES IT EVER END?

Karl
Karl
13 years ago

Another vote for “All you have to do is…” as seriously annoying. Also, “Well, MY child CERTAINLY would never…”, but you may have to wait for a few years to hear that one on a regular basis.

We’re saving up “He/she is Just Like You Were” and have every intention of using it gleefully. Anyone who thinks we will be trying to be supportive, will be seriously misjudging our intent. It’ll be revenge, folks…

Danielle
13 years ago

So relieved to hear that other moms just give their kids what they want (crackers, etc, obviously not just junk food) I have been so stressed out lately about that, my 2 yr old eats basically nothing.
Anyway, I hate when people say it is because I give them options “just cook one thing and that is what they should eat” OK. RIGHT.
Also, I hate “Oh you have 2 boys! They will be best friends!” Yea, I would like to think that too, but how could anyone know that? And of course my favorite “I can’t see your beautiful smile with that THING in your mouth” (pacifier) BITE ME.

lara
lara
13 years ago

not a parenting comment but… my mother, who KNOWS that we are using assisted reproductive techniques due to a genetic chromosomal issue, tells me daily “you would get pregnant if you would just relax.” Really? It’s not my f-ed up chromosomes, it’s my stress level. Thanks.

cbrks12
cbrks12
13 years ago

I remember when my kids were 5 and 2 and I was struggling my way out of their daycare with tears in my eyes. And an old woman walked up to me and said, “Be happy because at least they need you now.”

And I wanted to punch that old lady smack in the face because I had had it up to HERE with all the effing need.

I get it now, but all those platitudes don’t mean a damn thing when you are down in the trenches. Hey, but this too shall pass. Hee. :)

Krissa
Krissa
13 years ago

I don’t have kids, but it seems like “this too shall pass” gets pulled out with regularity no matter one’s stage in life. And…DUH, of course it’ll pass. It’s basically telling someone to quit complaining, because whatever it is will one day be over. NOT HELPFUL.
Also right up there – “Well, tomorrow’s a new day…” Thanks for reassuring me that we are not, in fact, living in Groundhog Day. I was so concerned before.

Traci
Traci
13 years ago

The comments are killing today! I’m not a big fan of “Well, when my boys were your age they never did X because we always did Y.” First of all, they NEVER did it? Second of all, we can only hope that what we do will have the desired effect, something I learned without a doubt when my second son was nothing like the first one.(both for the better in some areas, and for the worse in others)

amber
13 years ago

Your photos always make me miss the ocean. :) (When they’re OF the ocean, that is).

dorrie
dorrie
13 years ago

My sister with fucked up kids always says, “oh, wait until it’s your turn…” and I am all, dude, it will never be my turn to continuously take in my daughter’s pets when she gets tired of them or or or add ten bitchy examples.

Also? My teenagers are SO AWESOME that I get pee-in-my-pants scared even admitting that out loud because it might jinx that shit. But it happens and I was an awful teen so…so much for karma!

KB
KB
13 years ago

The other night when my daughter was having a tantrum and I had had it up to here, my hubby says “she’s acting just like you are right now.” Oh really? She wants to stab a fork through your eye too?

My daughter will only eat colby jack cheese cubes. Lord if I know how the child can poo, but she is very regular thankyouverymuch.

Donna
Donna
13 years ago

1. I promise that the next time I see a woman with twins I will say your babies are beautiful, and you look wonderful, you must be doing everything right!
2. I further promise not to say any of the other goofy things I usually say like, Good god how do you handle two of them, I’d be insane!
3. I also promise to go to Oregon someday just for the photos.
4. Mostly I promise to not be such a big dork and work on my euphemisms, such as “so will the spicy chicken burrito I ate last night, but that doesn’t mean it will be pleasant.” You kill me!

Amy
Amy
13 years ago

Hi, just stopping by to say YIKES!

If your baby is drinking milk, will he drink chocolate? Try feeding him some Ensure or equivalent. Just so he’s getting calories. Hopefully soon he’ll go back to eating properly!

jessica fantastica
jessica fantastica
13 years ago

I don’t have any kids so you can see why I would think this would be a good way to get them to eat: http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/54131/detail/

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