Lord, was that ever a tedious weekend. We were visiting family in Oregon for Easter, and there was way too much driving and not nearly enough sunshine. The kids have had the same cold for weeks and can’t stop coughing, JB got sick halfway through the trip, and I think I lost my patience somewhere on the side of I-5.

This is where photos come in handy. Because sometimes pictures are a lot better than the boring, complain-y story that accompanies them.

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In other news, Dylan has completely changed his eating habits, in that he used to eat and now he does not. Seriously, he used to devour anything and everything and now I swear to god he is living on graham crackers and milk. And you know how people say, oh, don’t worry about it, he’ll eat when he gets hungry? Well, that’s bullshit. Because here’s what happens when a child doesn’t eat enough: they get cranky and upset and eventually apoplectic with rage because they feel like hell and they DON’T KNOW WHY. In the meantime, you’re trying to get food in their system but they’re all pissed off and wailing and flinging their hands around and eventually you have to TRICK them by employing some bizarre form of peekaboo/here-comes-the-spoon-plane! game in the effort to get one single solitary fucking calorie in their scream-holes so they’ll calm down for the love of GOD.

Mealtimes have become a colossal pain in the ass and half the time I just spread random snack items around on accessible surfaces for him to hopefully grab while he’s bustling by on his way to find some pointy object to poke in his eye and if you’re wondering why there’s a piece of string cheese stuck to your ass it’s because every chair in my house now has food on it THAT’S WHY.

Also, as long as I’m ranting, here are some more bullshit sayings everyone needs to put a moratorium on:

Nap when the baby is napping. Yeah, because it’s so RESTFUL to try and fall asleep when you have no idea if you’ll be woken up in five minutes or two hours. See also: being woken up out of a drooling coma after five minutes, murderous feelings caused by.

Just wait until they’re teenagers. Okay, I get it, teenagers suck, but why does everyone say this? Maybe MY kids will be awesome teenagers. I mean, probably they won’t, but don’t go crapping in my future Wheaties just to share the misery, dammit.

I stay in shape by chasing my kids! Shut the fuck up, Hollywood. Unless you’re chasing your kids at a dead run around a track for 30 minutes a day five days a week I’m guessing that 8% body fat figure of yours has more to do with the no-carb diet and personal Pilates trainer.

This too shall pass. So will that spicy chicken burrito I ate last night, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to be pleasant.

What are your least favorite parenting platitudes?

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Jessica
12 years ago

love your postings!

kimblahg
12 years ago

chiming in just to say i am so using “scream hole” from now on. the platitudes that bother me the most are any used to compare kid’s development- particularly from grandparents who insist every one of their kids were potty trained at 12 months.

Christen
12 years ago

“It goes so fast!”

As if I didn’t know that.

And as if it didn’t make me cry already.

Emme
Emme
12 years ago

So I am just catching up on you so this is a bit late to respond but couldn’t help to throw in one of my favorites from my very own mother…. when i was pregnant all 3 times i had horrible allergies and couldn’t take anything and my mom would chime in with “I just don’t understand why the doctor won’t let you take something… for goodness sakes, i was on barbitutes when i was pregnant with you and you turned out just fine!” Jesus Christ – I keep waiting for horrible mental disease or something.

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