Jun
27
I saw this call for entries too late to officially participate in their contest giveaway thing, but since they were promoting one of the websites that helps pay my bills AND they’ve got a list of links to some interesting blog posts, I’ll take on the subject anyway. The subject being SWIMSUITS.
A couple weeks ago, JB randomly asked me what swimsuit I was bringing to the cabin for our July 4 vacation, and when I answered (“The black one I always wear, dude”) he . . . well, there’s no other word for it, he winced.
Then I picked up the wooden mallet I keep handy for such occasions and I bludgeoned him to death. The End.
Oh, ha ha, of course I didn’t. I didn’t even file for divorce on the grounds of Being a Total Choad (despite the fact that I think we can all agree that men who wince at the memory of their wife in a swimsuit — even though it was admittedly a sort of frumpy design of the “Miracle Suit” persuasion, meant to give the illusion of being 10 pounds thinner by wrapping the torso in as much Lycra as possible until the midsection is essentially a solid, immovable mass, impervious to both sodium bloat and bullets — deserve to be forced to defend themselves to an all-female jury while wearing nothing but a Euro-style banana hammock. Let’s see who does the wincing then, Mister).
He quickly backtracked and informed me that he just thought since I’d been working out so much I deserved a fancier swimsuit, maybe something with, uh, less total square miles of fabric coverage?
I can think of few activities that I enjoy less than swimsuit shopping but I had to admit he maybe had a point. I bought that bathing suit after Riley was born, when I needed something like a body-wide support garment to rein in all my Akira-esque flesh-rolls. I tried it on to check the fit and it looked weird: still taut in the belly, thanks to all those Miracle panels, but loose in the butt and droopy in the arms. The size tag read 16. The neck dipped too low and revealed the embarrassing used-to-be-a-rose-now-mostly-resembles-a-long-dead-tulip homemade tattoo above my right boob (the one I’ve never had removed because 99.9% of my clothes keep it hidden).
So last weekend I visited a local swimwear store, the kind that has racks and racks of mix-and-match tops and bottoms. And after about two solid hours of trying on pretty much everything they had to offer, I ended up with . . . a two piece. Not even a tankini, but a bikini top and two different bottoms, one with a flouncy miniskirt thing.
I have never owned a bikini in my LIFE, I never thought I’d EVER wear a bikini, and I have no good explanation for why I have one now. My belly, while a lot stronger than it was, is still an area that makes me squirm, especially when I’m sitting down and all that post-baby loose skin just sort of folds over like a crushed origami swan. Like a Sharpei sitting in my lap. Like a semi-deflated personal-sized Goodyear blimp. Like a — okay, you get it.
I guess I ended up thinking that while my body certainly isn’t supermodel-perfect by any means, it’s been a hell of a lot of work getting to where I’m at now, and I feel confident enough to set the Miracle technology aside and bare the parts of me I’ve historically tried my best to cover up. It’s just a swimsuit, but for me it sure represents how far I’ve come in the whole weight loss effort. If you’d told me four months ago that I’d be buying a two piece anytime soon, I’d have thought you were drinking a tall cold glass of shithouse-rat-crazy.
JB, it should be said, did not wince when I modeled the suits for him. I believe his words were, “I’d hit that.” O, that sweet pillow-talking man of mine.
:::
In other news,
1) Go tell my aunt she needs to abandon this crazy idea of taking a blog hiatus because her email notification thingie stopped working, because 1) she’s such a great writer and it’s a damn shame to miss out on her posts for ANY reason and 2) I feel guilty as hell because I can’t figure out how to fix her plugin.
and 2) We are driving way the hell down to the Oregon coast tomorrow for a week of vacation. I’m looking forward to the change of scenery, but hoo boy, not so much the effort to get there. Someone needs to invent a Battlestar-esque jump technology for bypassing seven-hour roadtrips with small children, either that or we as a society need to cease and desist with this pesky business of declaring drugs “unhealthy” and “dangerous”. A couple tranquilizer darts for them, a pill or two for me . . . I can almost promise everyone would arrive in a much happier frame of mind. Wish us luck, and have a wonderful weekend!
Comments
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You look great..:-)
I bet I’m one of the few who got your Akira reference. Hats off to crazy 80s anime..:-D
You totally photoshopped this picture didn’t you?
Just kidding, you look so friggin awesome, I’m so jealous, and I hate you too. :)
Damn! I can’t believe you’d even think twice about wearing a bikini! You look fantastic.
You look GORGEOUS!! Love the suit and your body looks fit and beautiful and hot, hot, hot!
I have two little ones too (a 4yr old and an 17 month old) and I worked my butt off to get back into my bikini so I know what it took for you to get there. It’s not easy, but it CAN be done as you have MORE than proved. It makes all the endless cardio, lifting and low fat/low calorie eating all worth it. (And it doesn’t hurt that the husband DEFINITELY appreciates it).
Congratulations! You should be very proud of yourself – you look beyond amazing.
You look really good *and* the swim suit is super cute.
Hot damn woman! Your legs look AMAZING. (The rest is REALLY good too, but your legs look MODEL like) I’d love to call you all kinds of bad names but I can’t because I know you EARNED your hotness. Your hard work is paying off and you are an inspiration to my fat 6 week post-partum ass to DO SOMETHING.
Please PLEASE enjoy your weekend, I look forward to seeing pictures of you and your sweet family doing cute ocean type activities.
you look great. good for you for showing off your bod. next time ditch the skirt and go for the REAL bikini! you’ve got a great body!
Lady, awesome job.
Also, PLEASE tell me the brand on that suit. I have been searching and searching for a top shaped exactly like that (i.e., shaped for a woman with breasts, who’d have thought it would be so HARD TO FIND?) and I need your suit. Please.
I am eaten up with jealousy.
My own husband accosted me on the way to the pool a few weeks back and I believe his exact words were: “you can’t wear that!”. So I ended up wearing a 5 year old, too small, one piece with one underwire missing (!). And went swimsuit shopping the very next day.
Needless to say, I did not get a bikini.
Linda….whoa hot! I believe you should get some referral fees for all of the exercise videos bought after we see how incredible you look! I know you are at least somewhat responsible for my exercising more.
And that skirt bottom is so cute!
That suit is so cute! And you rock it muchly. Own that progress, girl. You look fantastic.
You ROCK that bikini lady! Enjoy it.
You look great! I wish I had abs like that.
You look fantastic! And I hope you enjoy that bikini!
Fucking fantastic!
You look great – can’t believe with a body like that you’ve never worn a bikini!!??
All the best for the road trip.
Way to go Linda! I am jealous, and I have had zero babies…
…if I ever have babies, they’re going to eat my soul and stomach, aren’t they?
Still, congrats on being totally hot.
Who needs balls when you’ve got a waistline like that? Not only am I impressed, I think you’ve inspired me to toss the black miracle suit that’s like four sizes too big.
You look wonderful! Yipeee for you-all your hard work paid off. :)
You look motherfucking awesome. I am not even close to kidding.
[…] Once Thinner Girl has been liberated, I’ll have her say hi. Her escape will take awhile as her demise did not happen overnight – Fat Girl is a methodical, persistent cow. I doubt Thinner Girl will pose in a bikini, like these fabulous girls, but you never know how brave and proud she might be. […]