Aug
23
I’m all moved into my new home. Last night was the third night I slept in my new bed, my new bedroom!, and it was … honestly? It was glorious. I slept heavy and deep and with so much comfort.
The first night was a little rough, though. Everything was fine until I was in bed, all tucked in and done with my scrolling, lights out and me just there in the dark staring up at the ceiling. I have a little fan at night but I could still hear unfamiliar house sounds. Unfamiliar shapes to the room, a growing feeling of unfamiliar everything. It wasn’t like the semi-exotic sterility of a hotel room, or the not-mine but still-known outlines of someone else’s house that you’ve been to before. It was lived-in but not me who had lived there, you know? It was another house and I was in it. I felt like Goldilocks. Somewhere foreign and maybe uninvited.
Spookiness was starting to lay on me like a wet-breathing blanket (did I lock the garage door? Did I lock the patio door?) and I was dangerously close to feeling sorry for myself and I did something deliberate and a little woo: I went searching for gratitude, and it was not hard to find. I reminded myself of all the things to be thankful for in the moment: the delicious brand-new sheets, the goofy bone-shaped knee pillow that is such a joy for side sleeping, my bamboo nightgown that surely came from some dreary overseas sweatshop but is nonetheless whisper-soft and delightful. I widened my scope to gratitude for having the means to have this new-to-me home that is all mine, every room entirely for me to fill and enjoy. I pictured the house being a loving presence, creaks and all, happy to once again be sheltering life and being loved in return.
This really, really worked. I could see it happen right before my eyes, how the shadows literally softened in my perception and became peaceful rather than looming. I stopped worry-looping and felt my body unwind and I fell into a sort of cozy padded sleep as though held in a cocoon.
Last night I had a wonderful time going to yoga downtown with a friend, she introduced me to the studio she’s been attending for years and I loved everything about it – it was a small class with only 3 other friendly people, the instructor was interesting and kind, the space was vibrant and quirky. It felt so good to stretch out my sore body, muscles pinging from a few days of moving heavy things.
My friend gave me a mason jar filled with the most exquisite strawberries from a local farm. We went to a Caribbean restaurant and ate sweet ripe melon dripping with spicy bright sauce and enormous fried chicken sandwiches with plantain in lieu of bread. I learned about her fascinating long term relationship with a nonbinary partner and admired her eye-catching appearance: a short butch cut complementing outrageously envious bone structure, muscles popping on her tall frame along with generous feminine curves; she’s like a punk R.Crumb character with glasses and striking silvery hair, really something else.
I came home afterwards glowing from good movement, good food, good conversation. I thought about how incredibly different my life already feels. I can’t tell you how much of a rut I’ve been in for far too long, for years. I can’t tell you how hard it was to get out of that rut, because of how muffled and comfortable it was. It was paralyzing until it wasn’t, and then everything happened in such a relatively short amount of time. My divorce was finalized this past Wednesday, the day I moved out. Just a few months ago I was married and lived in one place, and now I’m not and I live somewhere new.
It’s all changed. The windows have been yanked open and the fresh air is just blasting in. It’s been scary and it’s been sad and it’s been so fucking wonderful and amazing. I’m filled with optimism and curiosity. I feel like I’ve hit CRTL-ALT-DEL on my entire life and it’s reloading with a brand new landscape and today as I write this I am just feeling so happy and grateful for all of it.
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I’m so happy for you and your new beginning.
I love everything, EVERYTHING about this! So, so happy for you!
Congratulations feels insufficient, for a whole new life. A do-over in ways. I love it.
Very happy for you, Linda. From a longtime fan.
So so happy to hear about your fresh beginning and the joy you’re already finding!
Picturing the house being a loving presence is perfection! I’m going to try that the next time insomnia comes for me. :)
Go forth and continue seeking happiness! <3
<3
Sounds wonderful; especially the leaning into gratitude. It sounds SO woo, but this is testimony to us skeptics that WOO SOMETIMES WORKS.
Wishing you continued joy in every new beginning and peaceful moment. Wishing you comfort and grace when the sadness looms.
I’ve been following you since Riley was little, and I think this may be the happiest you’ve seemed. Your joy, anticipation, and hope are really shining through. Congratulations on your new beginning!
This is so nice. I’m so happy for you!
You are my inspiration. I want a change – I need a change – and I’m dragging my feet about figuring out what that needs to be. Thank you for sharing so much recently – it helps so much to read your words, learn how you’re moving into your new life, and think about how I might do the same. I wish you many peaceful nights in the Little Yellow House. <3