Aug
29
I spent some real good time with both kids this week. Monday night I took Riley and his girlfriend out to dinner and it was so nice; I enjoyed seeing how they interact with each other when there’s fewer people around — less pressure to politely endure being peppered with adult questions, more space to reveal how nicely intertwined they are. They’re so young, but in a sweet authentic kind of love that is a pleasure to be around. We laughed a lot and I walked away feeling like they are just both in really good hands.
A couple days later Dylan came over for Hawaiian takeout (huli huli chicken hell yeah) and we made do with my lack of dining surfaces and he checked out the house progress and deemed it worthy. While we were in the backyard admiring my new fence, he spotted an osprey overhead. Upon further inspection, it had a fish in its grip! An unexpected exciting benefit of living closer to the river, my gosh.
When I hugged him goodbye at the door and watched him drive away I did feel some heavy sadness. It is, of course, a big loss to go from getting to see him every day in a shared household to hosting him like he is some sort of guest. Riley too, for that matter, although he’s heading back to college soon. But I will say that both of these visits felt very different from the various hallway passings and morning ‘sups. Far more intentional, with their full focus. It’s less — but more quality.
It IS less, though, no way to silver-line my way around that. I don’t get those small interactions throughout the day, I’m out of the loop. It sometimes feels like a fairy tale sort of tradeoff: poof, you only have to clean up after yourself now! But that’s because you don’t live with your family any more!
I went around and around and around the pros and cons of separating for so long. The ugly math of us together versus us apart. I guess for a long time it felt impossible to reconcile, like both scenarios just led to unhappiness, but the knowns felt less scary than the unknowns. Certain things felt too hard to bear, like not being able to talk with someone about shared memories of the kids, and the painful idea that me and the kids might drift apart if I wasn’t physically stationed nearby.
What I can say now is that it has been a great soul-lifting relief to be able to stop doing that math, to simply have a decision in place and a sense of forward momentum. I think it’s too early to share what it’s really like to be apart from the boys, but I do know we were going to be apart anyway. One kid is already out the door and fully ensconced in his own life, one kid will be there soon enough. We are finding new points of connection, we are finding our ways to new relationships with each other. I am maybe finding that I feel more meaningful to them, less a part of the familiar furniture and more of an actual person to talk with and learn about.
As for shared memories, I have faith that John and I will continue to evolve our own new ways of relating as loving exes who don’t regret the many years spent together. We’ll be able to have that banter: “Remember when they used to…?” It’ll be different than we both imagined, but it will be okay. I feel broken free from old loops and roles, and I hope we’ll be able to see each other with fresh eyes, remembering the good times.
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Long time reader of your amazing writing. You have an incredible way with words, conveying a precise image, feeling, and/or event. Thank you so much for sharing your current journey. It’s meaningful, inspiring, and thought provoking. I wish you happiness and contentment in this new part of your life.
Not easy. A happier, healther you equals being a better parent to your boys in the long run. (Also any thoughts about getting a dog?! A furry friend may be a comfort)
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So glad that you’re settling in, and happy you’ve been willing to share your life’s journey for so long.
That second-to-the-last paragraph really says it all. May we all stop doing the math. Lots of love to you in this new beginning.
I’m in the ‘hey’ as they pass you in the hall stage with my three teens and this sounds heartbreaking and hard, yes, but also rewarding and lovely.