Nov
24
This Thanksgiving is going to be different from what I have done for years BUT with the loss of the enjoyable aspects of this tradition I am also losing the anxiety. On Wednesday evening I’m taking the boys plus Riley’s sweet girlfriend out to a fancy dinner, and on Thanksgiving day I’ll be fussing over frozen rolls as usual and bringing those over to my hospice-fam-turned-real-fam’s house. I’ll be sharing the holiday with some folks who have become very dear to me, I could never have imagined it a year ago and isn’t that kind of wonderful? Among all the change, some new connections that truly fill my cup.
I am feeling that holiday sense of time hurtling along faster than usual, but fewer of the pressures. Like everything else it is a mixed gift of remembering what was while adjusting to what’s now. I ordered photo cards! I feel very proud of myself for that, it seemed way too overwhelming at first and then I just barreled my way through it and now it’s done and hopefully they are cute and a good memento of a very *wipes brow* memorable year.
I bought an adorable reindeer-shaped decoration made of fake greenery and attached it to my house and that in and of itself felt like such an achievement. Thank you TJ Maxx for being so awesome even though you are a no-shit sensory nightmare! I also got some pretty holiday throw pillows which will have to be my stand-in for a tree this year, perhaps Billy the chaos kitten will be compatible with precarious decor in the future but that time is definitely not now.
One thing that is cheering among the difficulty of different: I have always put out some sweet ramshackle ornaments and whatnots that have more family meaning than aesthetics and this time around I can have a more minimal and stylish holiday setup, the sort I have often admired but thought, well, not for me. So that is nice, you know? It is hard for sure, but there is a part of it that is honestly a delight. Now I have had both experiences. More, not less.
The entire divorce kit and caboodle is very: you can have this, but it means that. I keep writing that, I know. But it just keeps being the biggest thing, how this is so good and so bad at the exact same time! A whole lot of loss, and yet so many expected and also utterly surprising gains.
I will say that one silver lining of the bummer parts that have unfolded is that I have no uncertainties whatsoever about the decision to separate. It is good and healing to feel it in my bones that it was the right thing to do.
In the ongoing balance of good and bad, it truly is a net positive. The holidays won’t be like they were — and what a joyful thing it is to make new traditions and experience different energies. I feel so lucky to have such great kids and a new life that’s being rebuilt around my own preferences and choices. I’m so happy to do cheery intentional shopping only, with some new fun-to-buy-for recipients in mind. I feel like I can take big full breaths now throughout December, knowing all that I do will be with and for those who truly care for me in all that I am.
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Linda, I feel for you so much as you adjust to this new life. Having been through it myself, I can only pass on that for me, the ‘this’ far outweighs the loss of ‘that’ – but it can take a while to appreciate. Finding your own space, your own taste and the freedom of living without constant compromise is like a reawakening of your buried self.
As one of your long-long-time readers, it’s a true delight to have you posting so frequently. Please add as many Billy pictures as you wish!