Mar
7
A couple updates on my last post: first of all, I did end up receiving a very kind rejection message from the hiring person regarding the job I applied for. So perhaps I should be a tiny bit more patient about the application process, although I went back and looked and it had been 3 weeks, which seems like a long enough time to figure I had been round-filed without notice. Anyway, some mildly deflating closure on that little mystery.
Also, I need to stop saying things like “I think I’m through the big ups and downs of this whole giant life upheaval business!” Like, who is the jackass who keeps writing shit like this in her crumbling fossil of a WEBLOG, it is simply begging the universe to deliver a full-bodied crying jag and reconsideration of every decision I have ever made. The fact of the matter is that it’s both untrue and unreasonable to be all done with feeling big feelings lol!! I might wish otherwise, but I am very much still in the murky midst of things, as opposed to being high and dry on some emotionally-neutral other side.
Some aspects of being divorced have become easier, though. Referring to the ex as the ex, for instance. At first that felt like such a foreign, inappropriate word. Now it comes out of my mouth without a flinch. He feels like an ex, the person I was once married to. He has, in fact, excommunicated me. Maybe someday we’ll be on better terms and the ex part will carry less weight, it will simply be an objective fact. For now though, ex seems just right, stated as third person. The ex, not my ex. A giant X over me, his family, the house I used to live in, my beloved pets. I didn’t think it would be like this, but it is. And so: ex. My ex-life.
It’s easier to tell people, on the occasion that I meet someone new and have to explain my existence. At first it felt too intimate somehow, like I was letting someone have a real good look at a fresh wound and having to be like, Oh no it’s fine! Sure the bone is sticking out and blood is gushing everywhere in scary arterial spurts but that’s okay!! Now it just feels like a fact of me, like having brown eyes and three tattoos and preferring whole milk to skim. Also I am divorced, and I live alone.
Well not all by myself, of course. There is Billy! I love him dearly and also he has reached some terrible teenage phase of kittendom where everything in the house is up for grabs in his weirdly dexterous poop-rake paws. I thought he had outgrown the most destructive stage but what he was actually doing was waiting until my guard was down before deploying a new, more athletic approach to destroying everything I own. Things that were previously ignored that have now succumbed to Billy’s curiosity: the towels in the hall bathroom, my framed Lisa Hanawalt print, three different lamps, my vintage butter dish that I loved SO MUCH. (I found a replacement on Etsy and paid 55!! US dollars for it, jesus H.)
You cannot really scold him, either. He’s just a baby!!, for one, and also he has this hilarious and utterly unrepentant reaction when he’s caught, he pretty much turns his head upside down like an owl and waggles around like what? what? He’s just such a goddamned clown.
He is about 13 lb now, smaller than his same-age litter mates. He snuggles with me in bed every night until he wakes up and starts biting my toes, at which point he gets ejected. He howls pathetically outside the door every morning, a gargling sort of caterwaul: glglglglglMEOWWWWW. Then when I get frustrated and yell BILLY! STOP! There’s this pause and then a small high-pitched very cute sound…. Prrrrt? Then back to the gargle-yell.
He is my constant companion at home, a loving presence and also a maniacal agent of chaos. It’s hard to imagine wanting to live with anyone else! It’s hard to imagine sharing a home again, at this point. I suppose that may very well change. But let me tell you, there is so much to delight in. I haven’t lived on my own since 1999 and it is such a luxury. I don’t wish divorce on anyone but I do wish every woman who has done her time with raising a family and being in a long marriage could somehow experience this. A life free of compromise and other people’s feelings. Sure, you may have to replace a towel or two, but oh my god the peace. The rediscovery. The ability to do whatever you want, whenever you want.
Except if what you want is to have a single lighting source that goes unmolested, then maybe don’t get a kitten.
The defendant pleads innocent, your honor.
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Thank you for the Billy content! And 13 pounds? How can he weigh that much when he’s just a baby??
He’s a Maine Coon kitten, he’s just getting started.
I know Billy is just a baby, but he looks like he knows things. And also like he might be a mischief spirit disguised as a kitty. You’re a kitty! |o/
“ I don’t wish divorce on anyone but I do wish every woman who has done her time with raising a family and being in a long marriage could somehow experience this.” After I got divorced I spent so much time and energy trying to replace my ex husband with a better model. And even though I did, eventually, I wish I had spent that time doing what you’re doing. Everything sure is different at our age, after the blinders come off. Love to you and your handsome baby!
My cat makes the same noise, prrrt, I think. It’s seems to be a ‘Hello!’ I get when he sees me upon waking from a nap. Very cute greeting noise, a high pitched trill.
Before reading, I scrolled to the bottom to see the devine Billy pic. Must see the Billy pic FIRST. Glad to hear you’re enjoying the freedom that comes from living alone. People often get alone and lonely confused or conflated. Not the same thing. Savour this luxury of leaving your own clothes on the floor and only having your own clothes to pick up, you’ve earned it. Sad to hear “the ex” is aggrieved. Not your problem. And we love your blog.