Jul
12
July 12, 2006
I thought we were done with the teething. I mean, I didn’t think we were done with the teeth, but the pain, the slobbering, the near-constant state of unhappiness and discontent? I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH ALL THAT.
We are not, in fact, done with all that.
In an effort to distract myself from my primary task of weakly patting Riley on the back and giving him 1) Children’s Motrin, 2) teething tablets that contain belladonna (for real!), and 3) fistfuls of crisp twenty-dollar bills in an effort at bribery, I’ve decided that I am a Master Inventor, for I have three SOLID GOLD ideas that I will share with you, should you wish to make MILLIONS from my GENIUS. I am just that generous, you know?
Thing the first: Old-School Nerd Maternity Shirt.
If you played the text game Zork back in, oh, 1985 or so, you are totally laughing right now.
Thing the second: Built-in Legging Knee Pads.
Dude. Seriously. How awesome would this be for newly crawling babies? Or perhaps some adult sizes to facilitate blow jobs for gardening?
Thing the third: Heart-warming Children’s Tale.
I’m sick of Little Bears and Very Busy Spiders and whatever the crap Maisy is supposed to be. Let’s have a nice bedtime story involving some of the more unusual members of the animal kingdom.
Okay. That is all. Please cross your fingers this beshitted fang of Riley’s breaks through soon. Either that, or I’m going to crush up about fifty of those Hyland’s tablets and snort a fat-ass line in the hopes of numbing my entire brain.
Jul
12
That last post needs to be archived, I think. Too depressing. Until I have time to write a proper entry of sorts, please enjoy:
It’s still real to me, dammit!
—
(Later)
Lately Riley has been sitting upright or kneeling in his crib when I go in to get him. This morning he looked particularly cute, his little face peeping up over the jail-bars like a curious raccoon, and I wanted to take a photo but by the time I’d located the camera, unplugged it from the computer, and found a new battery for the flash he looked like this:
Is that not the most pitiful sight you ever saw in your entire life? Man.
The boy has been rather piteous the last 24 hours; his daycare called me yesterday afternoon (giving me a non-insignificant CARDIAC EVENT) to let me know he was running a fever. I about broke every damn traffic law in Washington getting there, and took him home where he whimpered for the rest of the day. He’s eating like a champ and shows no signs of illness other than the fever and general cantankerousness, and his slobbering has gone into overdrive, so my suspicion is that Tusk Number Five is making its unwanted debut. You know, those baby books and websites all say that fevers and teething aren’t related, but my personal experience has sure been otherwise.
I rocked him to sleep last night for the first time in months. Normally he just doesn’t tolerate being held for that long, but in his discomfort he burrowed into me and clung like a marsupial, and I walked with him and rocked him and sang his favorite sleeptime whisper-song in his warm ear:
One little two little three little suctopuses
Four little five little six little suctopuses
Seven little eight little nine little suctopuses
Ten little suctopus boys…
Poor, poor kid. I think he’s on the mend, although JB has the honor of staying home with him today. This seems only fair, as JB will be backpacking for THREE DAYS with his brother, leaving me to a thrilling weekend of solo diaper duty. I believe the man will owe me a lengthy, expensive spa pedicure upon his return.
:::
More random links:
• The lost Mac ads
• Either a humorous sketch or the world’s most cringeworthy interview
• Awesome: a list of problems solved by MacGyver
• FEAR OF PICKLES! (Thanks Jolene!)
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