March 13, 2007

The other night I was holding Riley after we got him ready for bed and he was tired and cranky and really whiny and I was murmuring soothing mama things in his ear and his body softened and curled into mine and he burrowed in close and he smelled wild and sweet like clover and I could feel his face pressed against me and I was stroking his back and humming and the room was soft and dark and that’s when he bit the living shit out of my shoulder.

Parenthood! Every day is an adventure.

I can’t seem to adjust to the time change. First of all, it is blowing my nubbly little pencil-eraser-sized brain that it’s so light out at 7 PM. We’re putting Riley to bed at this seemingly absurd hour and wondering if we should cover his windows with aluminum foil or something (“Just like Mama did in high school, sweetie! Would you like a large poster of a nice man named Robert Smith, too?”). I can’t seem to go to bed at my normal time, either. We’ve been staying up late watching all these episodes of “Survivorman” and “How It’s Made” and I feel bloated with weird trivia about how to start a fire using the fluff off your cotton socks and how wire eyeglass frames are bent into shape with computer-programmed robotic arms but the nose pad still has to be attached by hand.

When I finally do go to bed I read a few chapters of World War Z and get thoroughly freaked out and then I dream about zombies all night long. In fact, that book is so eerie I find myself idly thinking about zombies during the day, too. As in, “Hey, I wonder if there are any zombies outside. Let’s just take a look . . . nope, don’t think so. WHEW.”

My god, is anything scarier than zombies? Well, other than zombies carrying really big spiders that they threaten to drop on you (before they devour your brains)? Brrr. Gah.

Oh, and DISTURBING: according to the Death-by-Zombie Risk Calculator questionnaire I am practically walking zombiebait right now. Look:

zombiescore.png

29%? Gee, why don’t I just paint myself with A-1 and lie down on the front lawn so the zombies can more readily tear the flesh from my body with their soft, rotting teeth?

You know what’s great, though? Having a coworker who takes the whole fending-off-zombie thing totally seriously:

zombiechat.jpg

(“Z-hunting times”. Hee.)

ENOUGH ABOUT ZOMBIES. Because I am getting all crawly and itchy and fighting the urge to look out the window. WHAT WAS THAT NOISE oh it was the cat. OR WAS IT? Why is my child biting my shoulder and is he reaching for the A-1?

Comments

63 Responses to “Braaaaaaaaainssss”

  1. Jenny H. on March 14th, 2007 10:12 pm

    I totally re-did my calculations. I am proud to say that I am now at 45%!
    The only thing two things I changed were my escape route and destination!

    I ROCK!!

  2. Karen on March 15th, 2007 8:17 am

    OH. MY. GOD. Funniest post, *EVER*.

    I hope you NEVER get some sleep. Sorry, but I believe in being honest. And it’s really a compliment. Really. It is.

  3. MRW on March 15th, 2007 9:16 am

    After watching Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days later and reading World War Z and the Autumn series, I officially think too much about what I would do if zombies attacked. I actually thought about an escape and hiding plan – clearly I will do anything to avoid actually thinking about work or paying the bills or anything real. I can’t bring myself to watch Dawn of the Dead or any George Romero movies though because I’m sure they would just send me off the deep end and I’d never get any sleep. Hell, I got really wigged out watching The Ring. I know my limits…

  4. Deon on March 15th, 2007 12:45 pm

    Crowbar would be useless. Not enough range and too damn heavy to swing around that much. Samurai sword would get the job done.

  5. bad penguin on March 16th, 2007 7:05 am

    My husband and I joke about Zombie defenses all the time. Apparently that has not helped me get prepared at all, since my survival was calculated at 32%. I did enjoy the book though.

  6. justmouse on March 16th, 2007 4:09 pm

    i only scored 25%…but i am hoping that being with Husband will raise that by at least another 25%. he has all those outdoorsy/survival skills, weapons skills (firearms AND swords!!!), and he has no problem with the ‘survival of the fittest’ thing. not to mention he has family that lives out in the middle of NO WHERE on a farm. i figure sticking with him will be the best bet.

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