I do stupid things all the time. I microwaved a metal cup once, generating foul rolling waves of acrid smoke and ruining our oven. I absentmindedly kissed my kid on the cheek after I’d applied “Lip Venom” lip plumper, giving him a smooch-shaped facewelt. My bathroom mirror is constantly spattered with toothpaste because I always forget to turn the Sonicare off before I remove it from my mouth.

I have to say, though—I think eating an entire bag of dried apricots this Saturday evening has to be worthy of some kind of Lifetime Achievement award.

I don’t know what I was thinking, really. They were sweet and chewy and aside from their creepy resemblance to a severed human ear they just tasted so good and I gnawed my way through the whole pack, feeling virtuous, even, for not choosing ice cream. Later, when I went to bed, my brain tried to warn me—heyyyy, don’t I remember something about dried fruit and fiber?—but I thought, nahh, that’s prunes.

Then at 2 AM, I woke up . . . with an IED in my midsection. And O, I did suffer the Wrath of the Apricots, friends. For a full 24 hours afterwards, a fierce and relentless battle raged, with heavy artillery and startling explosions. There were base ejection payloads, rocket assisted projectiles, and devastating air bursts. It was so bad I actually went back and dug the bag out of the trash, positive I’d missed a label that said “WARNING: CONTENTS MAY TURN ASSHOLE INTO EYE OF SAURON.”

Anyway, I share this unsavory tale only to warn others: the only circumstances in which you should attempt to consume a large amount of dried apricots is if you haven’t shit in a week and all other methods have failed, and even then? You might want to just consider death as a more comfortable option.

Comments

94 Responses to “When binges go wrong”

  1. Karl on June 28th, 2010 1:31 pm

    And I just realized that “holy shit” might not have been the most felicitous expletive to choose. Sorry about that!

  2. Patty Grimm on June 28th, 2010 2:13 pm

    I made the mistake of eating dried apricots for breakfast in London not long before we left for the airport to fly home. Let’s just say that seven hour flight was not the most comfortable. On the up side, the flight was so loud that the loud bursts I was emitting were muffled. At least I thought they were.

  3. Kym on June 28th, 2010 2:27 pm

    OMG! So sorry, but I too have made that mistake!!!!!

  4. Amy on June 28th, 2010 2:36 pm

    OMG – I’m laughing in my cube and people are looking.

  5. Shin Ae on June 28th, 2010 3:15 pm

    I did that one day at school. I was in a long, boring lecture and just kept munching. I was still out in public when things began. It was, uh, memorable. That was 17 years ago, and I still have a hard time getting the nerve to put an apricot in my mouth.

  6. April G. on June 28th, 2010 8:20 pm

    Oh, man. I have done that before. The pain! The noise!

    Your comparison of apricots to ears reminds me of this poem. http://www.starve.org/teaching/intro-poetry/colonel.html

  7. Kim on June 28th, 2010 9:23 pm

    Ah… you make me laugh! Sounds like something I would do, but would be too embarrassed to write about. Hope all is well now…

  8. warcrygirl on June 29th, 2010 5:38 am

    “It was so bad I actually went back and dug the bag out of the trash, positive I’d missed a label that said “WARNING: CONTENTS MAY TURN ASSHOLE INTO EYE OF SAURON.”

    I totally heart you. Also loving the war/battle metaphors.

  9. Kim on June 29th, 2010 6:39 am

    Actually…I *haven’t* shit in a week and it’s getting very uncomfortable, soo…

  10. Crys on June 29th, 2010 6:49 am

    OMG!! Priceless… I soo needed that laugh!

  11. adequatemom on June 29th, 2010 9:06 am

    Oh, Sundry. Once again you turn a slightly embarrassing mishap into marvellously amusing and epic prose! You are a genius. Hope you’re all recovered now!

  12. lex on June 29th, 2010 9:28 am

    One time back in my college days I combated the munchies with most of a box of bran buds. Regrets!

  13. operation pink herring on June 29th, 2010 5:15 pm

    I don’t recommend eating an entire bag of grapes before going for a run, either.

  14. Mel on June 29th, 2010 7:57 pm

    Haha, oh man. This is why I like you. You can make anything, including poop, hilarious. (I do hope you feel better now!)

  15. Korinna on June 30th, 2010 6:22 am

    I remember one time in college when I drank four little containers of apple juice because, holy hell, it tasted like manna from heaven.

    I regretted that.

  16. lucidkim on June 30th, 2010 8:25 am

    I read this http://rosscavins.com/content/view/224/1/ this morning and thought of you. But in a good way. As much as ass related bathroom things are a good way. Hmm. Anyway. :)

  17. Lady Susan on June 30th, 2010 5:41 pm

    Learned this early in life when I ate way too many dried plums. They expanded in my stomach and oh, was I not happy.

  18. Clare on July 1st, 2010 1:49 pm

    Oh, that’s too funny! Although you probably weren’t laughing too much at the time….
    I’ve always thought that they resemble scrotums, very soft, virtually hairless scrotums…..so I couldn’t eat a whole bag in one sitting. But dates…..hoo boy! Dried fruit is a bit of a hazard.

    Also. The Sonicare. Every. Time.

  19. Erin on July 1st, 2010 6:31 pm

    Several years ago, my husband worked in a call center where the desks were grouped into little pods of 6. He sat with 4 women, who I jokingly referred to as his harem (no kidding, I have an entry in my Bridal Shower gift list thing that says “From Mike’s Harem”). He rediscovered dried apricots and would munch on a few of them throughout the day. And then couldn’t figure out what was making him so farty. The farts didn’t smell, fortunately, but he was forever trying to muffle them so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of his harem.

    Eventually he figured out that it was the apricots and began treading more gently around them.

    I never realized they were the WMD of dried fruit.

    PS: You had me in tears of laughter with your descriptions. You slay me, woman.

  20. Kristianna on July 2nd, 2010 6:55 am

    My husband did the same thing years ago — I even warned him that half a dozen of those puppies would be PLENTY, but,nope! He downed a bag. And to this day he is scared of dried apricots. :)

  21. Violet on July 2nd, 2010 11:14 am

    Ow, the minute you said “bag of dried apricots” I thought “oh, this will be bad…”. When I was pregnant, someone advised me to try them for relieving constipation; they also warned me to try ONE first, then 2 if that didn’t work. Worked like a charm, but if one did the trick – a whole bag? You poor girl!

  22. Steph on July 7th, 2010 8:54 am

    Oh that does not sound fun at ALL!! I hope you are recovering well!!

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