I was thinking about posting this photo with the caption “Toddler’s First Goatse” but then I thought to myself, self, just how fast do you want to go to hell anyway?

rilypic_081.jpg

Hey, how about we have us a photo namin’ contest? I mean, I’ve got this assembly-line brain drain going on from being stuck at home doing the same tasks over and over and over: feed baby, change baby, pry embedded LEGO from the arch of my foot, feed baby, change baby, run a load of 4828951 burp rags through the laundry, feed baby, change baby, fantasize about driving to the hospital in order to locate the nurse who scoldingly informed JB and I that bottle-fed babies should be able to go 4 hours between feedings and punching her in the face, etc, and really, I could use some fun distractions.

The rules are thusly: you post your best title idea in the comments section, and I’ll pick my favorite based on a complicated set of criteria involving a decision grid and Excel pivot table (what? Just because I don’t actually know what a pivot table is doesn’t mean I won’t use one). The winner receives a $50 Amazon gift certificate.

It’s just like Ree’s photo contests, except the prize is way less awesome! And the photo isn’t exactly frameworthy, either!

One entry per person, leave your email address so I know how to get in touch with you, contest ends sometime between tonight and tomorrow. Remember, crude porn references only send the parent to hell, not the impartial, innocent internet reader.

:::

UPDATE: contest now closed!

Comments

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Gina
15 years ago

Whoa! I just found out how we got Dylan!!

michael
15 years ago

I don’t want a prize, but here are two captions anyway:

“Buttons!!!”

“Mom, I can’t believe you posted this photo of me!”

cbrks12
cbrks12
15 years ago

“I just won Scramble!”

Kristin
Kristin
15 years ago

“I is on yer internetz, checkin out yer pron bookmarx”

“Oh no he didn’t!”

“Suddenly, the boy understands why what happens after bedtime, stays after bedtime.”

kellylynn
kellylynn
15 years ago

Dear Interwebs, look who’s suspicious now.

Allie
Allie
15 years ago

“Mommy… did you SEE the size of that whale penis?!? Will that happen to me??”

Kristin
Kristin
15 years ago

Hey, Anais! Eddie Izzard FTW!!

Did I leave the gas on? No, I’m a fucking toddler!!

Heh. :)

laura
15 years ago

I’m scarred for life. I didn’t know what goatse was. My life just got a little shorter.

jenny
15 years ago

whoa! silly mommy – this ain’t for kids!

Melanie
Melanie
15 years ago

“Mommy, you farted!?!?!”

Katie
Katie
15 years ago

“Riwy wants one, peas! Tis is cool, not feaky!”

So love his expression!

Erika
Erika
15 years ago

1) Mommy! Mommy! This guy with a twisty name got blowed up and you can get his monies if you help the bank man!

2) I don’t know why that happen! I didn’t do it!*

*(Famously said by my younger brother at approximately 4 after successfully selecting EVERY file and folder in the windows directory of the windows 98 computer, pressing delete, and saying Yes. Turns out you /can/ do that.)

3) MOMMY READ WHAT KITTY SAYING HE SO FUUUUUUNNY!!!

midnightparadox at gmail! Love that look on Riley’s face, btw. (Oh, and I was totally going to make a 2 girls 1 cup reference too.)

Pickles & Dimes
15 years ago

“Whoa, since Daddy’s been here, this keyboard is STICKY!”

(I’m sorry.)

Tessie
15 years ago

Man, are you SURE we’re not all going to hell? YOU GUYS AND YOUR PORN.

The best I can do is: “Mommy! Guess who’s Fucking Matt Damon?”

And for that, I’m sorry. It’s been on my mind.

Liz
Liz
15 years ago

“Mommy! Look what those people are doing on my slide!”

RIP Liberator…

Christina
15 years ago

“I knew that wasn’t a slide”

Referring to the big blue liberator.

Christina
15 years ago

Damn! Liz’s comment wasnt up when I posted mine. She wins.

Someone Being Me
15 years ago

“Thats p0rn? I thought it was an all you could eat buffet for the baby, Whoops”

Lena
Lena
15 years ago

“Riley new chore is ordering our groceries online”

moo
moo
15 years ago

You guys sure do think dirty!!

here’s mine:

“400 new posts in google reader AGAIN?”

heather
heather
15 years ago

um. michelle owned this one. you should just hand over the cash to her now.

Gertie
15 years ago

oh my gawd, I just saved 15% on our car insurance!

Kristy
15 years ago

THAT’s how my baby brother got here!!

Mary
15 years ago

Toddler reads mom’s blog, discovers true origin of favorite blue slide.

Christina
Christina
15 years ago

Oops Mom, you didn’t need that file, did you?

Liz
Liz
15 years ago

Damn it! I was going to go with

“She’s fucking Matt Damon?!?!”

But I guess I can also submit my runner up:

“Mommy, look! *WE’RE* white and we like all this stuff too!”

Liz
Liz
15 years ago

Crap. Lizerati at mindspring is me.

clarabella
15 years ago

“Look Mom! I invented the internet!”

Marie Green
15 years ago

“Mommy! Look at this fun bouncy sing dese people are doing!”

(sing = thing)

lifeinatinytown@gmail.com

clarabella
15 years ago

Ok, so the above is my official entry, but I toyed with submitting:
“I CANNOT believe some of those Parentdish commenters!”
But I didn’t want any of them to come after me. Oops.

Sarah
Sarah
15 years ago

“Why are those people using my SLIDE?!??!”

Of course, the wedge.

McWriter
15 years ago

My Faves:
Porn-Tastic

Baby’s First Porn

Boy Discovers Porn

Honorable Mentions:
Oh Boy! Free Shipping at Toys ‘R’ Us!

Hey, Lady, you’re not the ONLY blogger in this house!

Oh no you didn’t post that photo of me!

Lisa
Lisa
15 years ago

I have nothing and have read everyone else’s submissions. Please tell us that Michelle is taking that loot on this one because no one is going to top that one!!

mamma knows
15 years ago

“Googlin’ boobies”

Anne
Anne
15 years ago

“Mommy yook! BEE BEES!!”

ollka
15 years ago

“Woah, an ERGONOMIC keyboard!”

Maxine Dangerous
15 years ago

I agree. Michelle wins! :)

veralynn
15 years ago

Riley perfects his new porn star impersonation he learned on the internet before he tries it out at daycare.

Shelly
15 years ago

MOMMY!!!I’ve solved the Twin Prime Conjecture!!

Simon
15 years ago

“Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus: one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us, morose and gray. Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him!”

Sunny
Sunny
15 years ago

“HEY! You said that pillow was for your BACK!”

Janet
Janet
15 years ago

“Look Mommy, I can make my mouth look just like that girl on the internet has hers.”

Oh gosh, now I’m fer-sure gonna go to hell.

snowberrylane
15 years ago

“wow, Hillary is a BAD GIRL!”

hillaryismomjeans.com

Tracy
15 years ago

“Did you seriously think mom does all the blog entries?”

Mallorie
Mallorie
15 years ago

“He’s fucking Ben Affleck?!”

of course I don’t think anything can top Michelle’s caption.

Lauren
15 years ago

Michelle took mine. Brilliant addition of “sippy”

Jen - Lance's Wife
Jen - Lance's Wife
15 years ago

“My Mom used “Goatse” in a sentence!”

pessimistress
15 years ago

“All this time you’ve been posting embarrassing photos of me on your blog? Et tu, Mommy?”

Alyson
15 years ago

Not a caption, but if Dylan can’t go 4 or so hours between feedings (most especially at night), might I suggest mixing his bedtime bottle with the smallest amount of rice cereal (think slightly thick formula). You might need to alter a nipple to accomodate the slight chunkiness, but I guarantee it won’t hurt him and might help you. I fed all three of my big, bruising boys thin rice cereal at about a month old at bedtime and none of them have food issues, and no food allergies. 21 year old is 6’6″+, 17 year old is 6’3″, and 10 year old is 5’+ and taller than his teacher from second grade. None of them are overweight either. Well, oldest could lose a little weight, but he’s eating college crap food – that’s not my doing.

Try it, you’ll like it! (don’t tell your pediatrician).

KJ
KJ
15 years ago

I can has blogs too?