Feb
28
I was thinking about posting this photo with the caption “Toddler’s First Goatse” but then I thought to myself, self, just how fast do you want to go to hell anyway?
Hey, how about we have us a photo namin’ contest? I mean, I’ve got this assembly-line brain drain going on from being stuck at home doing the same tasks over and over and over: feed baby, change baby, pry embedded LEGO from the arch of my foot, feed baby, change baby, run a load of 4828951 burp rags through the laundry, feed baby, change baby, fantasize about driving to the hospital in order to locate the nurse who scoldingly informed JB and I that bottle-fed babies should be able to go 4 hours between feedings and punching her in the face, etc, and really, I could use some fun distractions.
The rules are thusly: you post your best title idea in the comments section, and I’ll pick my favorite based on a complicated set of criteria involving a decision grid and Excel pivot table (what? Just because I don’t actually know what a pivot table is doesn’t mean I won’t use one). The winner receives a $50 Amazon gift certificate.
It’s just like Ree’s photo contests, except the prize is way less awesome! And the photo isn’t exactly frameworthy, either!
One entry per person, leave your email address so I know how to get in touch with you, contest ends sometime between tonight and tomorrow. Remember, crude porn references only send the parent to hell, not the impartial, innocent internet reader.
:::
UPDATE: contest now closed!
Comments
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My product review site:
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Whoa! I just found out how we got Dylan!!
I don’t want a prize, but here are two captions anyway:
“Buttons!!!”
“Mom, I can’t believe you posted this photo of me!”
“I just won Scramble!”
“I is on yer internetz, checkin out yer pron bookmarx”
“Oh no he didn’t!”
“Suddenly, the boy understands why what happens after bedtime, stays after bedtime.”
Dear Interwebs, look who’s suspicious now.
“Mommy… did you SEE the size of that whale penis?!? Will that happen to me??”
Hey, Anais! Eddie Izzard FTW!!
Did I leave the gas on? No, I’m a fucking toddler!!
Heh. :)
I’m scarred for life. I didn’t know what goatse was. My life just got a little shorter.
whoa! silly mommy – this ain’t for kids!
“Mommy, you farted!?!?!”
“Riwy wants one, peas! Tis is cool, not feaky!”
So love his expression!
1) Mommy! Mommy! This guy with a twisty name got blowed up and you can get his monies if you help the bank man!
2) I don’t know why that happen! I didn’t do it!*
*(Famously said by my younger brother at approximately 4 after successfully selecting EVERY file and folder in the windows directory of the windows 98 computer, pressing delete, and saying Yes. Turns out you /can/ do that.)
3) MOMMY READ WHAT KITTY SAYING HE SO FUUUUUUNNY!!!
midnightparadox at gmail! Love that look on Riley’s face, btw. (Oh, and I was totally going to make a 2 girls 1 cup reference too.)
“Whoa, since Daddy’s been here, this keyboard is STICKY!”
(I’m sorry.)
Man, are you SURE we’re not all going to hell? YOU GUYS AND YOUR PORN.
The best I can do is: “Mommy! Guess who’s Fucking Matt Damon?”
And for that, I’m sorry. It’s been on my mind.
“Mommy! Look what those people are doing on my slide!”
RIP Liberator…
“I knew that wasn’t a slide”
Referring to the big blue liberator.
Damn! Liz’s comment wasnt up when I posted mine. She wins.
“Thats p0rn? I thought it was an all you could eat buffet for the baby, Whoops”
“Riley new chore is ordering our groceries online”
You guys sure do think dirty!!
here’s mine:
“400 new posts in google reader AGAIN?”
um. michelle owned this one. you should just hand over the cash to her now.
oh my gawd, I just saved 15% on our car insurance!
THAT’s how my baby brother got here!!
Toddler reads mom’s blog, discovers true origin of favorite blue slide.
Oops Mom, you didn’t need that file, did you?
Damn it! I was going to go with
“She’s fucking Matt Damon?!?!”
But I guess I can also submit my runner up:
“Mommy, look! *WE’RE* white and we like all this stuff too!”
Crap. Lizerati at mindspring is me.
“Look Mom! I invented the internet!”
“Mommy! Look at this fun bouncy sing dese people are doing!”
(sing = thing)
lifeinatinytown@gmail.com
Ok, so the above is my official entry, but I toyed with submitting:
“I CANNOT believe some of those Parentdish commenters!”
But I didn’t want any of them to come after me. Oops.
“Why are those people using my SLIDE?!??!”
Of course, the wedge.
My Faves:
Porn-Tastic
Baby’s First Porn
Boy Discovers Porn
Honorable Mentions:
Oh Boy! Free Shipping at Toys ‘R’ Us!
Hey, Lady, you’re not the ONLY blogger in this house!
Oh no you didn’t post that photo of me!
I have nothing and have read everyone else’s submissions. Please tell us that Michelle is taking that loot on this one because no one is going to top that one!!
“Googlin’ boobies”
“Mommy yook! BEE BEES!!”
“Woah, an ERGONOMIC keyboard!”
I agree. Michelle wins! :)
Riley perfects his new porn star impersonation he learned on the internet before he tries it out at daycare.
MOMMY!!!I’ve solved the Twin Prime Conjecture!!
“Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus: one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us, morose and gray. Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him!”
“HEY! You said that pillow was for your BACK!”
“Look Mommy, I can make my mouth look just like that girl on the internet has hers.”
Oh gosh, now I’m fer-sure gonna go to hell.
“wow, Hillary is a BAD GIRL!”
hillaryismomjeans.com
“Did you seriously think mom does all the blog entries?”
“He’s fucking Ben Affleck?!”
of course I don’t think anything can top Michelle’s caption.
Michelle took mine. Brilliant addition of “sippy”
“My Mom used “Goatse” in a sentence!”
“All this time you’ve been posting embarrassing photos of me on your blog? Et tu, Mommy?”
Not a caption, but if Dylan can’t go 4 or so hours between feedings (most especially at night), might I suggest mixing his bedtime bottle with the smallest amount of rice cereal (think slightly thick formula). You might need to alter a nipple to accomodate the slight chunkiness, but I guarantee it won’t hurt him and might help you. I fed all three of my big, bruising boys thin rice cereal at about a month old at bedtime and none of them have food issues, and no food allergies. 21 year old is 6’6″+, 17 year old is 6’3″, and 10 year old is 5’+ and taller than his teacher from second grade. None of them are overweight either. Well, oldest could lose a little weight, but he’s eating college crap food – that’s not my doing.
Try it, you’ll like it! (don’t tell your pediatrician).
I can has blogs too?