Jan
2
January 2, 2007
JB’s grandmother isn’t expected to live much longer. She’s in an assisted care facility and has been on hospice care for a while, she’s mostly stopped eating and drinking in the last several days. They are pretty much just keeping her comfortable with morphine at this point, although she’s been remarkably healthy until now (she’s 94).
JB has talked about how sad it is that for all the happy memories he has of being a child and spending time with his grandparents, now at the end of her life he feels so distant from her. His grandfather, too, was once a cherished part of JB’s childhood, but as JB grew older and his grandfather began to diminish with Alzheimer’s, their relationship changed.
I know how he feels. I loved my grandparents when I was a kid and my best memories of being young revolve around being with them at their house in Michigan. Yet by the time they died my feelings for them were totally different — it wasn’t that I loved them less, it was just that they had grown old and sick and I was an adult and that sweet childhood time was so long ago.
It is sad, but natural. If things happen that way it means long lives were lived and there’s probably no ending that would be perfect, but at least the ending didn’t come too soon.
Riley will never know his great-grandparents, but maybe someday he’ll hear stories about their lives and the happiness they brought his own parents when they were young.
:::
I remember: a pink plastic elephant named Pinky that had four rickety wheels and could be ridden, slowly, if you pushed your way along with both feet. One magical summer a Big Wheel showed up, and with that Pinky was left in the dust. I would pedal the Big Wheel on the wooden deck that surrounded my grandparents’ house, leaving a rhythmic, satisfying ca-clunk ca-clunk ca-clunk in my wake as I clattered over the boards.
I remember: riding around the front of the house and past the side yard, a picture-perfect square of fresh-mowed green flanked by woods, then around to the back where the wind from the lake would ruffle my hair. Pedaling around the picnic tables (with the attached umbrellas I would watch my grandfather open for the first time each summer and use a broom to shoo out the sleepy bats clinging to the folded-up cloth), then past the screened-in porch where I would lie with my grandmother in the dusky evenings and watch the night descend (listening to the forest rustle and twitter with nocturnal life, whippoorwills and loons sounding their lonely cries), and onto the walkway. The Big Wheel’s noise changing with the smaller boards, coming in faster clatters now, and my eyes shaded against grasshoppers flying every which way in the beach grass. The creepy, papery sounds of snakes hurriedly slithering away from my echoing approach, and the way the grass bent and swayed with their unseen movements.
I remember: the cook house where my grandmother had summer meals for a giant table of relatives, where my plastic beach toys were stored in dusty, cobwebbed corners. The smell of gasoline in the garage, a smell I can’t get enough of to this day. The Tote Gote scooter my grandfather let me ride on the gravel road leading to their house. The slippery, dry feel of plunging my hands into the metal can of sunflower seeds we used to feed the chipmunks and birds. Butterfinger bars my grandmother hid before drawing up treasure hunts for me with X’s marking the candy’s location. My toy ranch with hundreds of now-politically incorrect figurines: cowboys, Indians, men wielding rifles, tiny mess pots, cattle. The taste of wild blueberries, each fruit smaller than a pencil eraser. Pink Ladyslippers, white Queen Anne’s Lace, Brown-Eyed Susans. The jewel-like green chrysalis of a monarch butterfly. The cold splutter of Lake Michigan, calm on a summer day, unrecognizable from its wild white winter froth.
All that and more.
:::
If only we could go back and visit those days, see our grandparents with healthy faces again. Their eyes full of joy for us. That unconditional love. We’d bring our little boy, sneak him across the years. Imagine that, my grandfather holding Riley on his knee. JB’s grandmother, her hands unknotted, her body unconfined by the ravages of age, laughing with her grand-grandson.
I guess that’s what people talk about, when they talk about heaven.
Dec
31
Here’s a list of those of you who posted your own answers to the Year End Meme Thing — if I missed you, or borked up your website’s name, let me know!
• Transcendental Reality
• Boring Beyond Belief
• An Overture to Illumination
• Happily Ever Now
• Destination Unknown
• productionMaven
• based on a true story
• All Dressed Up
• The Rock Lobster
• Persistent Teacup
• Warcrygirl
• Counting on change
• Lawyerish
• SaturnCat
• Calling This Home
• House of Why
• Tripping Daisy
• Kimblahg (I can’t figure out how to link directly to the entry, sorry!)
• Pantalones del Fuego
• Tiffany’s Rants
• The Littlest Lively
• The Overnight Note
• clap your hands
• (Often) Pedantic Musings
• Velocibadgergirl
• The Wink
• Overdressed and Re-employed
• I am living in a Mommy daze
• Stacitee
• Just Babs
• Terrific Teens
• aibiffity
• Mordant Conceit
• i like to cook
• the blythe spirit
• Jonniker
• wealhtheow
• Feet Firmly Planted
• Miss Liss
• Vylnn
• Claire
And now my own thrilling answers:
1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?
Eighty million mundane parenting-related activities. Saw an embalming. Celebrated my son’s first birthday. Survived a remodel and found some Mystery Lube. Worked as a freelance writer.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Oh my god, how embarrassing — I had to actually re-visit last year’s entry to see if I made any resolutions. Here’s what I wrote:
My health-related resolutions this year are to go to the gym at least two, ideally three days per week and to fit back into my size 8 clothing.
Actually, completely FAILING to keep my resolution is probably more embarrassing than forgetting what it was. Or maybe they’re equally embarrassing. Whatever! I’m officially fucking embarrassed, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW.
So, yeah, not so much with the gym. Or the size 8. I fit into size 10 pants and I’ve been pretty okay with that, but JB and I have been talking lately about how crappy we feel that we have a garage full of gym equipment we never use. We even have those rings, like gymnasts have? JB read about them on CrossFit. They’re installed and hanging from the ceiling, just…dangling there all limp and pathetic. We have a weight bench, a punching bag — the works, and we never use it.
I guess my resolution will be this: to go into my goddamn garage (a whole twenty feet from my house) at least ONCE a week and punish myself on our equipment so I don’t feel as bad when I eat an entire bag of cookies in front of the TV.
Obviously, my health resolution theme this year is Aim Low.
In general, to give myself some goals for 2007, I hope I continue to be motivated to pursue writing in various forms, and I want to improve my parenting skills with patience, education, and trusting my instincts.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, no one I know personally.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully. Although, as I write this JB’s grandmother seems to be very close to the end of her life (she’s 94 and on hospice care), I never knew her well but JB was very close to her as a child.
5. What countries did you visit?
None. Ah, parenthood! Grounding both metaphorically and literally.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A cleaner house. More free time. More trust in myself as a parent, and more forgiveness for myself.
7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
None in particular, I guess. The holidays, birthdays…but no one specific day stands out in my memory.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I feel like I should say it’s something related to parenting but if I’m honest, the thing I am most proud of is establishing a relationship with someone who has paid me for some freelance articles. I just feel really good about that.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don’t think there was one incident or issue, but I definitely feel like there have been times over the last year where I didn’t bring it, parenting-wise. I’ve been impatient, bored, and willing to disengage from Riley at times, and I regret that. I want to feel like I am being a great mom most of the time (no one can do it all of the time, let’s be real), even if the circumstances are trying.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
This one’s easy: my new car.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My husband’s. I don’t think I talk about it enough, but he has been such an incredible father to Riley. He is an always-willing participant in everything from playtime to diapers to baths. It shows in Riley’s strong bond with JB, which sometimes makes me so jealous it clouds my appreciation for what an amazing, beautiful relationship my son has with his dad.
JB is never too tired or too busy for our family, and everything he dreams about revolves around making our home even happier. He is the compass and map for our household, the strong rudder and secure walls. When I watch him playing with Riley, I feel like I have everything I could ever want in in the world.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
People who seem to take such grim pleasure in tearing down other people.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Into savings, daycare, the grocery store, our house.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I got really excited over lots of little moments with Riley: first steps, first words, and the everyday sorts of things he did that amazed and astounded us and made us laugh.
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Not that this came out in 2006, but Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” was something I played over and over and danced with Riley to and cranked in my new car and I bet if anything reminds me of this year, it’s that silly song.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? Hmm. Happier in some ways, I think. b) thinner or fatter? About the same. c) richer or poorer? Financially better off.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Losing myself in the fun moments of parenting. Going on outings with Riley and not worrying as much about the inconvenience factor. Challenging myself, writing-wise.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Dwelling. Comfort-eating (hello, much-used cookie baking sheet). Yelling at the pets when they’re underfoot and annoying.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent the day at JB’s brother’s house before traveling to JB’s parents’. As I type this we’re at Port Angeles visiting my family for a late Christmas.
21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Deeper and deeper with my squirrel-cheeked, gorgeous, obnoxious, mesmerizing, terrifying little boy; the Suctopus, the Suctopod, Riley Bear, Snoopy.
22. How many one-night stands?
I hereby strike this question from future New Year’s entries because it’s lame. I am a flabby shrew of a married woman with a child, for god’s sake, I have nothing titillating to contribute on this subject.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Arrested Development, since I’m only just now jumping on that bandwagon. The Office. American Idol. Survivor. Rescue Me. Weeds. Firefly.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.
25. What was the best book you read?
Damn, this one is hard. It’s difficult to even remember what I read this year, but I’ll say my favorites were: Ruth Reichl’s food memoirs, Mary Karr’s Liar’s Club and Cherry, Anne Lammott (especially Operating Instructions), The Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Fishing, Marrit’s Inconsolable, and…what else? I don’t know, but thanks to you guys I have a hell of a reading list for 2007 (which I promise I will post soon).
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Music new to me that I loved in 2006: Keane, Imogen Heap, Snow Patrol, Ok Go, Jenny Lewis.
27. What did you want and get?
A new car. Woot!
28. What did you want and not get?
Not a damn thing, really. I mean, other than world peace.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Well, I mostly saw movies via Netflix because of the whole never-leaving-the-house-after-7-PM thing. I have to say, I did love Borat. I also loved Bad Santa (I can’t believe I never saw it before), An Inconvenient Truth (you should absolutely watch this if you haven’t already), The Matador, and Adaptation.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Thank god for obsessively detailing every heart-stopping moment of my rockstar lifestyle on the internet, because I would have forgotten. It seems we stayed in (no DOY) and I had a fan-fucking-tastic chocolate cake. I was a fresh-faced and innocent 32.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Other than a nanny who shits gold ingots and makes a great tiramisu, nothing.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Ha ha ha HAAA, “fashion concept”. Right. Well, I wore a pair of Cruel Girl jeans practically every single goddamn day, is that a “concept”?
33. What kept you sane?
Laughing at the things that suck. Connecting with other people through this blog and others. JB. Riley’s extremely consistent bedtime.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I wonder what “fancy” means, here? Like whose leg do I want to hump like a deranged bulldog? Maybe…okay, this is sort of humiliating, but you know the coach from Friday Night Lights? That’s a tasty hunk of southern barbecue right there. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating Baby Mum Mums.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Oh god. I don’t know. Maybe the one where we keep bullheadedly persevering in this shitty-ass war where people are dying in droves every day? Or the one where every time Bush opens his mouth I feel frightened for our country and Riley’s future? I can’t choose.
36. Who did you miss?
Our families when it had been a while since we’d seen them.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
There are lots of you who I haven’t technically met but I am awfully glad you’re out there, reading and talking with me and helping me remember I’m not alone.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
Parenthood is an ever-changing landscape. Confidence is the best feeling in the world and worth pursuing. Forgiveness eases everything. Laughing toddlers are better than Prozac.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
This is SO CHEESY. You want some corny-ass shmoop song from me, Mr. Meme, but you’re getting They Might Be Giants, “Clap Your Hands”:
Uh huh
Uh huh uh huh
Uh huh
Clap your hands
Clap your hands
Clap your hands
Clap your hands
Clap your hands
Stomp your feet
Stomp your feet
Stomp your feet
Stomp your feet
Stomp your feet
Jump in the air
Jump in the air
Jump in the air
Jump in the air!
Happy New Year, friends. May your night involve staying up until midnight, unlike my own (it’s currently 7:12 and I’m already fading fast. WOO PARTY!).
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