In the last few days, I’ve been noticing some new additions to our backyard. Like this guy:


And this one:


And these fellows:


Like, every single time I look outside there’s a mess of motherfucking squirrels nearby. It’s almost a little creepy.


Also, is that a—?


Yes. Yes it is.


I’m not sure if it’s because there’s no dog in the backyard now or if we accidentally bought the No Mess Wild Birdfeed Seeds: Black Tar Heroin Variety, but at least the kids are entertained. Although having your children constantly talk like the dog from Up gets a little old after a while.


“Hey Mom do you SQUIRREL! know where my green army SQUIRREL! guy is because SQUIRREL! I can’t find him.”

I bought a fancy squirrel-proof feeder and I put out a special Sweet Corn Squirrel Log (“The compressed sweet corn log keeps the squirrels busy and away from your bird feeders!”) but they’re still there. Everywhere.

Where did they come from? Why have they suddenly set up camp in our backyard? Who knew ducks could be so LURKY? Where did this particular squirrel get a goddamned Eggo?


No answers. Only questions.


67 Responses to “Wildlife safari”

  1. Emily on June 30th, 2011 6:57 am

    We had squirrels EVERYWHERE at the college I went to. They were protected. They would seriously stand right in the sidewalk of where you were going to walk with this “Dare You” look. It was kind of creepy when they would fall out of the trees around you.

  2. wealhtheow on June 30th, 2011 7:10 am

    Oh, those compressed logs keep the squirrels busy, alright. For about 2 minutes.

  3. H on June 30th, 2011 7:24 am

    Uh, have you checked your freezer? I’d hate to think that squirrel has been helping himself to a snack…

  4. Jessica V on June 30th, 2011 9:36 am

    I totally snort/laughed when I read the last line. Now I keep humming “my waffles bring all the squirrels (and a duck) to my yard…”

  5. telegirl on June 30th, 2011 11:09 am

    Thanks for the laugh, that is hilarious. The squirrels (and lurky duck) are taking over and I do think it’s because you don’t have, um, protection (?) any longer. I don’t think I will ever get tired of quotes from “Up”. Do you not agree with that which I am saying to you now?

    We just moved to a neighborhood in Salem that has a male and female peacock pair which we have, of course, named both “Kevin”. We can’t feed the little tweety birds or squirrels because, I have been told, the big birds will take up permanent residence. And they are LOUD at 3:00/4:00 in the morning.

  6. Suburban Snapshots on June 30th, 2011 6:21 pm

    One girlfriend had – no shit – twenty-five on her deck last week. Another had a chipmunk in her house last night. Not to rub salt, but do you think it could have to do with the absence of Dog? When my parents lost their Lab last year, chipmunks basically walked up to their front door, flipped them the bird, and giggled tiny, evil chipmunk laughs.

  7. Sarah on June 30th, 2011 6:49 pm

    LOL! The Eggo cracks me up!! Love it!

  8. ashley on June 30th, 2011 7:46 pm

    This has nothing to do with this post (sorry lol) and not sure if you’ve covered this or even know.. but i stumbled upon a picture of you on This is Photobomb.

  9. Victori, BC on July 1st, 2011 11:03 am

    Somewhere near by, a small child is crying on his back deck, one waffle short of a full breakfast…

  10. souphead on July 1st, 2011 5:00 pm

    I know you REALLY don’t want to and you’re not ready, but have you thought that maybe, possibly, the universe is trying to tell you to take that dog from the breeder? Maybe :)

  11. Shawna on July 2nd, 2011 1:14 pm

    Doesn’t that squirrel know that WAFFLES ARE NOT A SNACK!?!

  12. Very Bloggy Beth on July 2nd, 2011 8:14 pm

    Squirrel with a waffle LOLZ. Only wildlife we get here are lawn-wrecking gopher fucks and raccoons that wake us up in the ballpark of 3 am all summer long. I’d take an Eggo theiving squirrel.

  13. Very Bloggy Beth on July 2nd, 2011 8:15 pm

    @Shawna hahahaha classic.

  14. Janet on July 2nd, 2011 9:35 pm

    I was just reading Outblush when I saw this and immediately knew you had to know about this fabulous home accessory which seems so timely….×12%22-pillow/f6784

  15. Tiffany in Nashville on July 4th, 2011 3:11 pm

    Sweet Jesus, Mary & Joseph you are funny –

    A dog is what you need for two very important reasons: 1. Your squirrel problem will be instantly solved and 2. the hole in your heart will begin to heal.

    You didn’t see them before for a reason – dog is squirrel’s natural enemy, in a Wiley Coyote vs. Roadrunner sort of way.

  16. Amy on July 8th, 2011 1:33 pm

    OMG…..where did the squirrel get an ego…I almost peed my pants!

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